The Cycle of Violence & Abuse

Abuse or physical violence is a recurring cycle that progressively gets more intense & severe, the frequency increases and the modes of abuse become multiple. 


Wooing Phase:
Most relationships are rarely violent from the beginning as there is no cumulative stress between partners.  Both are on their best behavior and trying to impress each other.

As the relationship continues, the demands, expectations and stress increases.  At this phase violence is directed toward objects rather than the partner. ie: punching doors, kicking furniture, throwing objects, breaking stuff, etc. The abusive behavior is reinforced by a release of tension following this aggressive action.  Aggressive behavior is a maladaptive coping mechanism to release tension and stress.

The violence then moves from objects to spouse and there is an increase in verbal abuse, ie: yelling, screaming, increased arguments, insults, name-calling, etc. and in general tends to become more critical of the victim.

The attacked partner (or victim) begins to alter his/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the physical violence.  The partner works harder at keeping the house cleaner, the children quieter, helping more with chores, staying home more often, etc... anything to not get the abuser angry or to trigger another outburst.

The victim has bought into the belief that he/she is the cause of the abuser's anger. The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate.  The victim tends to pull away from the abusive spouse and feels responsible for the abuse, often blaming themselves, feeling inadequate and a failure.

The abuser's control starts becoming more pervasive, and spills over into all aspects of the victim's life.  He/she may become obsessively jealous and tries to control most of the partner's behavior or time, i.e. where the partner will go, with whom, how they should dress and will even forbid the partner from seeing certain people.  The abuser isolates the partner from family and friends.  Emotional manipulation and black-mailing the partner into believing that if they loved them, they would not need others, or that since they are married their place is with each other... even to the exclusion of sharing any 'private' stuff with family or close friends.  Insisting that they should keep their personal life private and to maintain secrecy.  Having effectively cut off any reality-checking that he/she could do if she shared his/her problem with family or friends.

The victim tends to feel that nothing they do is good enough for the abuser, that they are walking on eggshells and feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion.  They start doubting their ability to discern right from wrong. 

The abuser believes that the victim should be able to make them feel better if they changed, they blame the victim for making them feel miserable and deny that they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed and insecure.  The abuser feels powerless and stuck, yet unwilling to look at themselves, it does not occur to them that the problem may be with them.

Active Phase:
Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit.  The pattern of abuse is so well established that they know what button to push and what reaction they will get. They know what will escalate the situation.  It has become a well choreographed dance.


The victim being unprepared for the incident, is shocked at where it came from and is terrified, ashamed, humiliated, degraded and angry.  The victim tends to wrongly blame themselves for the violence.


The abuser feels out of control, tries to prove to himself that he/she is in control and does so by abusing the victim.  The abuser blames the victim for their loss of control, their violent outburst and believes that the victim instigated it.  They usually believe that the abuse solved the problem.

The Morning After Phase:
This phase is also called the 'Honeymoon Phase'.  I prefer calling it the Morning After Phase as it has characteristics similar to the disoriented hangover of a drunk, and the guilt after a one night stand. 
 
This phase is characterized by shame and guilt-provoked resolve to change, with promises of never abusing again and begging for forgiveness. 

At this stage the abuser feels temporarily in control, takes some responsibility for his/her behavior, giving the partner hope for change.  Even though the abuser is afraid of the intensity of their own anger and that the victim will leave them, they minimize the abuse and want to avoid dealing with it.

The victim, on the other hand, feels scared, wants to leave the abuser, feels guilty about wanting to leave the abuser when he is promising to change, wants to believe all the promises and feels helpless, depressed, trapped and very confused.

Unfortunately however, usually there is no intervention, neither seek to follow up on the promises and resolves.  The relationship continues and with every such cycle the possibility that the violence will escalate and the severity increase will get greater.

Unless the abuser receives help in learning how to deal with stress and anger, this phase will only last a period of time. The stress and tension will again begin to increase and the cycle repeat itself.

And the cycle continues... back to the very short-lived wooing phase, then the building up of the tension, to active abuse phase and on to the morning after phase.  As the pattern gets more established, the phases get shorter and shorter, and the abuse gets more severe and violent.

Both the abuser and victim need to get long-term professional help.  Both need to learn their own dynamics of what keeps them stuck in their unhealthy and damaging patterns of behavior.  Both need to work VERY hard at breaking the cycle.

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