- Be very clear that the violent behavior is unacceptable. This is the first priority. THE VIOLENCE MUST STOP! VIOLENCE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!
- DO NOT TELL THE WIFE TO BE PATIENT AND PRAY, she has used up all her patience and has tried everything before she came to you for help.
- Do not tell the wife that she has to obey her husband. Islam has no tolerance for abuse, violence or zulm... There is not a single ayah in the Quran that tells a woman to stay in an abusive or violent marriage.
- Do not tell the wife to return home and she should try harder to work it out with her husband... she has already tried that and it did not work. She would not have come to you if that was working.
- Make arrangements with local abuse shelters to work with you. Most will provide training seminars and workshops for your community.
- Arrange for safe shelters for the women and children. DO NOT send them back to the abusive husband. Protect the victim, NOT the abuser.
- If you do not have programs within your community, DO NOT prevent, stop or discourage women from seeking help from non-Muslim programs & professionals. Did the Prophet (saw) not seek help from non-Muslims in Medina? Did he not send Muslims to live in non-Islamic countries to avoid persecution in Mecca? What does that tell you?
- Address the issue of Domestic Violence in your Khutbas. Islam = PEACE
Peace within yourself, within your home, within the community and with God. Educate yourself and the community. - Know for a fact that the children are also being abused.
- Do not accept the abuser's excuses or his blaming the victim. Abusers always lie and manipulate. Abusers always present themselves as reasonable men. They are great manipulators. They LIE and cover up their lies, pretending that they are listening to what you tell them. Do not buy into their lies and manipulations.
- Tell the abuser about treatment and other counseling options in your community. Develop a resource directory.
- HOLD ABUSERS ACCOUNTABLE. Promises to change are part of the cycle of violence. Unless they are accompanied by concrete actions, like going for treatment, the promises are meaningless. He MUST ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS, then, if he is serious about changing, he will seek out the help he needs.
- Do not take the abuser's word that the violence has stopped. Check with the victim of abuse alone, without the abuser being present. Often it is necessary for the couple to separate until there is no more danger of abuse."
- DO NOT encourage marital counseling until it is clear that the violence has stopped. In relationships of uneven power, counseling couples together is not appropriate and increases violence. To work with them together before the violence has stopped, only serves to endanger the victim. Know for a fact that the woman will get beaten up when she gets home, he will take his anger out on her, he will take revenge for 'shaming him'... blaming her for his actions.
- If YOU (Imam) minimize, disregard or ignore the abuse, if you do not help the victim, then YOU are condoning abuse, YOU are supporting abuse, YOU will be held accountable.
- Ask yourself... why did the Prophet (saw) migrate from Mecca to Medina? What else but to escape persecution and abuse. What does that tell you? Women escaping from abusive environments are absolutely within the boundaries of what Islam teaches. Staying in abusive environments is UNISLAMIC.
But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame.
The blame is only against those who oppress by wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land, defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty grievous
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.135
"O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest ye swerve, and if ye distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do."
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.58
"Behold, God bids you to deliver all that you have been entrusted with unto those who are entitled thereto, and whenever you judge between people, to judge with justice. Verily, most excellent is what God exhorts you to do: verily, God is all-hearing, all-seeing!"
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.148-149:
"God loves not that evil should be noised abroad in public speech, except where injustice hath been done; for God is He who heareth and knoweth all things. Whether ye publish a good deed or conceal it or cover evil with pardon, verily God doth blot out (sins) and hath power (in the judgment of values)."
Sûrah ad Duha 93.10
And him that seeks thy help shalt thou never chide.
Sûrah 7.33
Say: My Lord has forbidden all atrocities, whether overt or disguised, and harm (ithm).
Sûrah Baqarah 2.217
Oppression is worse than killing
Sûrah al Anfâl 8.39
And fight against them until there is no more oppression and all worship is devoted to God alone.
Sûrah 81:8-9
And when the female (infant) buried alive shall be questioned. For what sin was she killed?
(Note: Is there a difference in physical killing and emotional killing?)
Ahadith
"Support your brother when he commits or suffers injustice". A man asked the Prophet (pbuh): "Messenger of God, I understand that I should support him when he suffers injustice. How do I support him when he commits injustice?" The Prophet (pbuh) answered: "You prevent him from doing injustice. That is the best support you give to him".
"There shall be no infliction of harm on oneself or others"
On the authority of Abu Saeed Al-Khurdari, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say: "Whosoever of you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest of faith."
(Muslim)
The Prophet expressed astonishment at the cruelty of certain men when he said: "Could any of you beat his wife as he would beat a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?" Bukhâri and Muslim.
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