When these behaviors escalate to violence, creating "domestic violence," the definition becomes, "a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner."
Domestic Violence includes mental, emotional, verbal, sexual or physical abuse such as constant demeaning and humiliating remarks, threats, slapping, kicking, hitting, choking, destroying property, economic deprivation, forced sexual activity, isolation and starvation.
The nature of abuse is that it is progressive; it gets from bad to worse if you do not put a stop to it. Emotional and verbal abuse shifts into overt threats and physical abuse.
Abuse is often a family pattern that repeats through generations. Abusers and victims witnessed these patterns in their family of origin; they learned these behaviors and styles of relating with others through the example set for them. Children living in homes where a mother is abused are more likely to be abused themselves. These children grow up to become abusers or victims of abuse... they learn these patterns of abuse from their parents. Just like charity begins at home, abuse also starts at home.
Islâmic Perspective:
To examine the issue of Domestic Violence from the Islamic perspective, we need to look at what Islam teaches about zulm (cruelty) and ádl (justice).
We know that Islâm condemns violence in every form... be it at the personal, social or national level. 'Zulm'... the all-encompassing term used for abuse or cruelty in the Qur’ân is best translated as 'putting asunder anything from its natural state.' This includes causing harm and misuse, eg: misusing or abusing the natural elements in the environment; wastage of any kind, be it water, food or wealth. The Quran is clear on the importance it gives to respecting human life, relationships, property, and the environment. There are numerous verses that warn us against causing harm, creating an environment of oppression and aggression; and cautions us against being harsh, cruel or unjust. The concept of ‘zulm’ then includes all forms of domestic violence and abuse.
Islâm demands that Muslims exercise justice in every aspect of life, above and beyond anyone we may hold dear to us; so much so, that we have been enjoined to:
"O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, whether it is (against) rich or poor, for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do."
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.135
Keeping these concepts in mind, Muslims cannot afford to close their eyes and avoid addressing an issue that goes against Islâm in every way you look at it.
According to a survey of 63 Muslim community workers, leaders, and individuals done in 1993 by the North American Council for Muslim Women, domestic violence (including everything from hitting to incest) against Muslim women and children occurred in ten percent of the population of Muslims. If verbal and psychological abuse were added to this, the figure would rise considerably.
Not only are these statistics disgustingly high, but what is worse is that we are not openly and aggressively addressing this problem. We have no organized program to take care of the abused women and children, nor do we have a program to rehabilitate the abusers. Digging our head deeper in the sand will not make the problem go away. Instead it will mushroom and become the inheritance of the next generation.
Abused Women & Children
Many Muslim women feel compelled to stay in abusive relationships, as it is wrongfully believed that they are supposed to unconditionally "obey their husbands". Women feel pressured to not bring shame to their family by revealing the abuse in their marriage and believe that it is their responsibility alone to maintain peace in the home. Lack of social support for abused and divorced women contributes in perpetuating this problem. Lack of courage to take a strong & purposeful stand against abusive men also perpetuates violence as it is unaddressed.
Rather than offering protection and help to battered women, most imams and community leaders, who are not trained in handling this complex problem, often advise women to return to their violent homes and be "better wives" by "trying harder to please their husband"... implying that the women are somehow responsible for the abuse, that if they really were "good" they would not get abused. Nothing can be further from the truth. Hence abused women often end up feeling abandoned by their own family, friends & community.
Our attitude should be such that the abused woman feels supported and helped. There is no excuse for putting a victim in a situation where she is uncomfortable and treating her in such a manner that she feels ashamed to reach out for help.
Sûrah ad Doha 93.10
And him that seeks thy help shalt thou never chide.
And him that seeks thy help shalt thou never chide.
When working with abused women, it is not a very smart idea to tell the woman to be patient, she has used up all her patience before she came to you for help, don’t add insult to injury. Do not tell the wife that she has to obey her husband; violence has nothing to do with her disobedience.
Do not tell the wife to return home and to try working out the problem with her husband in the privacy of her home... Know for a fact that she has already tried that and it did not work. Sending battered women back to their abusive husbands is extremely dangerous. In most cases the abuse escalates and becomes more violent.
Protect the victim, NOT the abuser. Instead recognize and respect her courage. She is within the bounds of her rights to seek help and to protect herself and her children from violence.
Know for a fact that the children are also being abused. Everyone that works with children is mandated by law to report all abuse cases to the Division of Family Services. DFS phone # 1-800-392-3738
Abusive Men
The attitude with the abuser has to be sterner.
In working with abusers do not accept his excuses or his blaming the victim. Abusers always lie and manipulate, presenting themselves as reasonable men.
HOLD ABUSERS ACCOUNTABLE.
Do not buy into their lies and manipulations. Promises to change are part of the cycle of violence. Unless these promises are accompanied by concrete actions, the promises are meaningless. He must accept responsibility for his actions, and then, if he is serious about changing, he will seek help. Do not take the abuser's word that the violence has stopped. Check with the victim in privacy, not in front of the abuser.
“But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame. The blame is only against those who oppress by wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land, defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty grievous.”
Sûrah ash Shura 42.41-42
In a situation where there is active, ongoing abuse, marital counseling is dangerous and harmful, until it is clear that the violence has stopped. In abusive relationships counseling couples together often increases the episodes and intensity of violence. To work with them together before the violence has stopped, only serves to endanger the victim. Both have to work individually before any work can be done as a couple.
Taking Action
To address this issue we must work at two levels: education and action. Addressing one without the other will not be effective nor will it have a lasting effect.
1. Education:
Education should involve correcting misconceptions, incorrect and misconstrued beliefs, as well as learning how domestic violence impacts the individual, family and community. The focus at this stage is recognizing the damage abuse causes and at correcting oneself.
Our first step should be in being very clear in the stance that domestic violence is unacceptable. This must be our first priority. VIOLENCE MUST STOP! VIOLENCE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. This message should be loud and clear. To achieve this goal we need to have seminars and workshops. The imams need to address the issue of domestic violence in the ‘khutba’. Silence implies condoning abuse.
2. Action:
a. Hotline and Shelter
We need to have an active 24-hour hotline service, with trained staff that can guide the abused women in the steps she needs to take to protect herself and the children. Know for a fact that by the time the woman is calling for help, she has tried all other measures, is in danger and immediate action is needed. In most situations this means she needs to be removed from her situation.
Therefore, it is extremely important that we have a shelter for the women and children. Since we do not have a shelter for abused families at this time, we may need to make temporary arrangements with local abuse shelters, and develop a safe-family system to provide protection to the women and children.
b. Rehabilitating the Abuser
Abusive men need to be rehabilitated. They need to learn how to deal with their anger in appropriate and acceptable ways. Generally this is a resistive and difficult group to treat and the success rate is low, since they can get away with abuse they do not have the incentive to change their ways. Only under pressure from the community, constant monitoring and intense treatment is there any possibility of rehabilitation.
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
Sahih Bukhâri. Volume 3, Book 43, Number 624
Domestic Violence is NOT a ‘women’s issue’… men must take an active, visible and responsible role in addressing this issue. It is a community issue. Abused women need the support of loving, caring, gentle men; and the abusive men need to be shown how to respect women and to become real men. Children from abused homes also need to be around caring and compassionate men. Being around caring men and women starts the process of healing.
We need to implement these plans, and need the help of the community to be actively involved. The nature of this issue is such that we need volunteers who are willing to go through a training program, can be available consistently and for fairly large amounts of time. If you are willing to make this commitment, please fill out the social services volunteer form.
If WE (the community) minimize, disregard and ignore the abuse occurring in our community, if we do not help the victim and the abuser, then we are condoning abuse, we are supporting abuse, and we will be held accountable for our passivity and lack of action.
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