Qawwâmuna: from root qawwâm: maintainer, caretaker, provider, supporter, somebody who stands firmly and upright, one who stands firm in another's business, protects his interests and looks after his affairs; standing firm in his own business, managing affairs, with a steady purpose, be in charge of, manage, run, tend, guard, keep up, preserve, take care of, attend to, watch over, look after, manager, director, superintendent, keeper, custodian, and guardian.
Mohammad Asad has translated this in "The Message of the Qur'an" as - Man shall take full care of woman with bounties which had been bestowed more abundantly…." He explains, "The expression "Qawwâm" is an intensive form of "Qaim" (one who is responsible for or takes care of a thing or a person). This "Qama alal mar'a" signifies "He undertook the maintenance of the woman" or "He maintains her" (See Lane, vol.8 pg. 2995). The grammatical form of Qawwâm is more comprehensive than Qaim and combines the concepts of physical maintenance and protection as well as moral responsibility.
From this wide range of meanings, some interpolate that a husband is responsible for his wife, ie: her disciplining, teaching and guidance in all matters
“As for the meaning of qawwâm, when I checked the lexical meanings of the root, there is (among many meanings) the meaning of 'be in charge of, manage, run, tend, guard, keep up, preserve, take care of, attend to, watch over, look after'. From this comes the definition of qawwâm as 'manager, director, superintendent, caretaker, keeper, custodian, and guardian’. This range of definitions might allow for a paternalistic interpretation if you were disposed to find one, but considered on the whole it carries the sense of, to take an analogy, stewardship over the environment as opposed to exploitation. (The parallel themes of femininity and the natural earth being noted, as also in the verse "Your wives are a tilth unto you...".) What emerges very clearly from this analysis is the complete lack of warrant for coercion, dictatorship, domination. I still think we should explore another side of this root, reflected in the word qayyim, meaning 'righteous, true, reliable', i.e. this verse establishes a husband's responsibility to treat his wife well, to be kind, caring, and just. This takes it further away from dictatorship and makes it a partnership.”
Yahya Monastra… personal mail.
The same word used elsewhere in the Quran:
Sûrah an Nisa 4:135
O you who believe! Stand out firmly (qawwamina) for justice as witness to Allah….
Faddala: preference
Dharaba has several meanings other than striking, one of them meaning to return to having sexual relations, ie: return to normal life. adriboo as: 'to separate' or 'to part'.
The word translated as "slap/hit/beat" derives from the Arabic root DRB.
Words derived from the same DRB root occur 58 times in the Koran, and nowhere else is it used (or translated) in this sense. Of the many other meanings assigned to it, a few are: to set out (on the road), to shroud (in darkness), to strike (an example), to mint (a coin), to publish (a book), to cover (concerning ladies' dresses), to dispatch, to throw, to raise (something set down), etc.
'dharaba' metaphorically means to have intercourse, and quotes the expression 'darab al-fahl an-naqah', 'the stud camel covered the she-camel,' which is also quoted by Lisan al-'Arab. It cannot be taken here to mean 'to strike them (women).'
wadribu: 'have intercourse'
(Raghib in his Al-Mufridat fi Gharib al-Qur'an gives the meanings of these words with special reference to this verse.)
'fa-'izu' means to 'to talk to them so persuasively as to melt their hearts.' (See also v.63 of this Sûrah where it has been used in a similar sense.)
'hajara' means to separate body from body, and points out that the expression wahjaru hunna metaphorically means to refrain from touching or molesting them. Zamakhshari is more explicit in his Kahshaf when he says, 'do not get inside their blankets.'
wahjaru: 'leave them alone (in bed - fi'l-madage')
See the Big Picture: Quran 4.34
Qurânic Verse 4.34 seems to hang like a black cloud over the status of women in Islam. It has been misinterpreted, misunderstood, misused, twisted, distorted & abused to justify the misogynist attitudes that seem to pervade the issue of women, despite the unprecedented liberation and uplifting that Islam accorded women. To better understand this verse within the context of the message of the Qur'an and the philosophy of Islâm, one needs to look at some critical principles and the overall philosophy of Islâm, only from within that big picture can we get an understanding of what the verse means.
Points to consider:
1. The Prophet (saw) was not assigned the role of personal 'caretaker' or 'moral supervisor' of people's actions. He was not accountable for their deeds. He conveyed the message and encouraged them to follow according to their own level of faith and commitment; from a simple bedouin who was willing to follow only the minimum requirements of Islam to those who devoted every aspect of their being, their lives and their properties.
2. Consider the Qurânic ayât that say that nobody will be held accountable for another's deeds/faith, etc.
Sûrah al Ma'idah 5.105
O' you who have attained to faith, it is for your own selves that you are responsible...
Sûrah al An'am 6.52
... Thou art in no wise accountable for them - just as they are in no wise accountable for thee.
How does one jump from this to making a husband responsible and accountable for his wife's faith and morality? Keeping in mind that if one is responsible for something, they will also be held accountable for it. The freedom to choose and a willingness to follow your religion and beliefs is upheld by the Qur'ân in every situation and condition, for each and every individual, male or female.
3. There is no compulsion in religion. If one is forced to follow a religion, it implies one is unwilling and when we are unwilling but do it to please someone else, ie: without sincerity; we are nothing but hypocrites. Since nobody is to be forced to comply to the dictates of religion, or for that matter, to any aspect of life... to think that men have been given the power and 'duty' to enforce piety or check the behaviors of women is a little too contrived for convenience. It is absolutely and totally against Islâmic teachings.
Sûrah al Baqarah 2.256
There shall be no coercion in matters of faith.
There are no if, ands or buts about this injunction, it is crystal clear... under no circumstances can one person coerce, force or impose their views, beliefs or opinions on another human being. Basic premise to understand here is that.. whenever something is enforced on a person it becomes 'zulm' or abuse, and oppression is forbidden in Islâm. When Allâh has not taken away our choice, how can any human being even dare to assume that they can?
4. Since Islam allows men to marry women of other faiths without forcing or asking them to convert... and protects their right to practice their own religion… would this mean the husband is not 'qawwamuna' (maintainer/disciplinarian/teacher) over them? If he is, and since she is under no obligation to follow Islamic laws, how does he fulfill this responsibility which is incumbent on him or does he no longer have to be her maintainer? Men are financially responsible for their wives regardless of the faith she follows. One has nothing to do with the other.
5. Is the 'qawwamuna' limitless, or are there limitations to it? What if the husband refuses to act responsibly, or is abusive? What recourse do women have when men are not taking the financial responsibility of maintaining them and the children? What if the husband is taking the financial responsibility of providing for his family but is also abusive?
There are enough incidences from hadith that allow women to take financial matters in their own hands when the men act irresponsibly or miserly, to the right of divorcing such men. As well as permission to leave and divorce a husband who is not responsible or abusive.
6. Does this not go against the Islamic teachings that the only superiority one human being has over the other is in their piety? Doesn't the extended role of teacher/disciplinarian imply that women are dingbats who don't have the sense to know right from wrong unless their husband beats them? Such an attitude toward women is absolutely uncalled for and does not fit the overall Islamic view of women.
7. Spouses are partners/cover for each other... Is it possible to be partners if the husband is the disciplinarian of the wife but the wife does not have the same liberty to correct him? 'Partners' implies equal relationship, not a ruler-ruled or parent-child relationship where one has to utilize disciplinary action to keep the other in line.
Sûrah ar Rum 30.21
"And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might incline towards then, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!
Sûrah al Baqarah 2.187
"... They are as a garment for you, and you are as a garment for them."
Sûrah al Nisa 4.19
"... And consort with your wives in a goodly manner, for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good."
Sûrah al Nisa 4.1
"O mankind! Be conscious of your Sustainer, who has created you out of one living entity (nafs), and out of it created its mate, and out of the two spread abroad a multitude of men and women. And remain conscious of God, in whose name you demand your rights from one another, and of these ties of kinship. Verily, God is ever watchful over you!"
8. The Prophet (saw) was the ‘living Qurân’ he was the exemplar... he repeatedly told men to treat their wives with love, affection and respect; and told them that they could not hit their wives when cases of marital discord were brought to him... was he ignoring this verse or was he really telling us what it actually means?
9. When Islâm allows divorce, and the wife is such a disgrace to the husband, why is he not exercising his right to divorce her? Granted divorce is the most hated act in the sight of God, accepting this verse as is implies that violence toward women is an acceptable alternative to divorce… especially when God has repeatedly expressed dislike for violence and oppression; and has given women the right to divorce? If a man has to keep his wife in line by beating her, wouldn't it imply that she doesn't want to be with him.. and is he then not keeping her against her will?
Sûrah Al-Baqarah 2. 230
‘And women have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable.’
Sûrah Al-Baqarah 2. 231
‘Do not retain them against their will in order to hurt…’
Sûrah An Nisa 4:19
‘It is not lawful for you to try to hold your wives against their will, and neither shall you keep them under constraint with a view to taking away anything of what you may have given them, unless it be that they have become guilty of immoral conduct in an obvious manner. Consort with wives in goodly manner; for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good.’
10. Does being a male automatically imply that he is an upright, moral being? Or is being a male enough to imply intelligence and wisdom, or that he will be fair and just. Does being a male automatically make him knowledgeable about Islam such that he can guide his wife? Verse 2.44 clearly admonishes one from correcting another if you are not on the right path yourself. The way verse 4.34 is often translated gives the impression that just because you are the husband you have the right to enforce compliance, regardless of your own moral character.
Sûrah al Baqarah 2.44
Do you bid other people to be pious, the while you forget your own selves - and yet you recite the divine writ.? Will you not, then, use your reason?
11. What constitutes this preference?
Sûrah al Baqarah 2.228
"…. the rights of the wives (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men have precedence over them (in this respect). And Allah is Almighty, Wise"
The verse reads: "... men have a degree over women" (2:228). On the average, men do have an edge over women in terms of physical strength. Needless to say, this excludes a broad range of exceptions, and is true only in a statistical sense. The same verse notes that "some are better than others," AND does not assign gender to this latter expression. Is it just assumed that it is referring to women? Indeed, there are untold numbers of women who are superior to men in knowledge, in work, and in physical strength.
12. Then there are numerous verses that directly command people to not be violent, to curb their anger, to not oppress anyone... and to assume that Allah allowed men to hit their wives is totally contradictory to this message. Islam goes as far as to admonish abuse of slaves and prisoners of war; so how is it possible that it allows abuse in such an intimate and close relationship?
Sûrah ar Rum 30.21
"And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might incline towards then, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!
There are numerous ahâdîth that admonish men about hitting their wife and then later wanting to be intimate with her, not to mention those that direct men to be gentle, kind and considerate toward women.
13. Does a woman lose her right to self-determination after she gets married? If the husband is the 'maintainer of her affairs', does she lose her rights in those affairs? Considering that a woman keeps her birth name even after marriage, has the right to property, education and work; her right to being an independent being is never compromised by Islam.
Misinterpreting the Limits of Responsibility:
The 'responsibility' of men over women that is being referred to in this situation is about inheritance only.. there is no other instance in the Qur'an where men have been given superiority over women. Financial responsibility for women cannot automatically be extended to include all aspects of life. This advantage is understood as financial responsibility toward the maintenance of women/family. No other kind of superiority has been mentioned anywhere else either. Nowhere in the Quran does it say that men have been given more intelligence, aptitude, common sense, wisdom, faith, piety, morality or anything that would deem them superior to women in any way, shape or form.
I believe that these words have been over-extended to imply 'control' which is misleading, as Islam does not give total power to any one person over another. Even the Prophet (saw) was told that his role was to convey the message of Islam and not to be the caretaker of the people's actions. So for men to be given this 'role' over their wives seems to be far-fetched. I believe that by extending this meaning to imply that husbands are the ones to 'monitor' their wife's morality goes against the message of the Qur'an.
Furthermore, Islam has systematically denounced the control of one man over another, specifically in abolishing slavery, in giving rights to women and children, permission to disobey parents if they ask one to do something that goes against the teaching of God, the permission to disobey the ruler if he is despotic and unfair, to escape from abusive and tyrannical regimes/conditions and most importantly the crystal clear message that the only one to be feared and submitted to is God alone.
Misinterpreting the message:
Most important: You cannot read verse 34 alone, the same issue is being dealt with in verse 35.
4.34 Men shall take financial responsibility of women with the bounties which God has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, with what they spend out of their possessions. And the righteous women are the truly devout ones, who guard the intimacy which God has (ordained to be) guarded. As for those women whose ill-will you fear, talk to them, then leave them alone in bed, then separate from them; and if thereupon they pay you heed, do not seek to harm them. Behold, God is indeed most High, Great!
4.35 And if you have reason to fear that a breach might occur between a couple, appoint an arbiter from among his people and an arbiter from among her people; if they want to set things aright, God may bring about their reconciliation. Behold, God is indeed all-knowing, aware.
How is it possible that it is being said that men can beat their wife and the message following right after it says don't harm them?
Personally, I believe these verses are about checking the attitude of those men who become abusive when in conflict with their wives. To me, it seems to tell men to go through rational and sequential ways of dealing with a conflict and to curb their violent tendency.. it is literally outlining steps they need to take to resolve conflicts. Most rational men do not resort to violence, regardless of the nature of the conflict. If an abusive man can go through these steps to control his anger the problem would be resolved long before such men resort to violence. Can violent men do that?
If you read the following verse, this premise makes the most sense. Verse 4.35 addresses the next step in the situation of marital discord. It clearly says to assign arbiters from both sides and try to resolve the differences. The preceding verse (4.34) fits in.. it is addressing the men and outlining for THEM the steps THEY need to take when THEY fear discord.
Step 1... Talk to your wife
Step 2... Avoid intimacy
Step 3... Separate
Step 4... Involve arbiters
Step 5... Reconcile differences
The interesting thing is that if this verse is understood as permission for husbands to hit their wives, they seem to forget verse 4.128 directed at women who fear abuse by men that allows women to leave such men. If the woman is recalcitrant, what will stop her from using the husband's hitting as reason enough to leave him? So is one verse contradicting another? No... the only rational and logical way of understanding this verse is that it is actually admonishing men to control themselves, it is not giving them carte blanche to hit women when women don't 'obey' them.
Sûrah al Nisa 4.128
"And if a woman has reason to fear ill-treatment from her husband, or that he might turn away from her, it shall not be wrong for the two to set things peacefully to rights between themselves, for peace is best, and selfishness is ever-present in human souls..."
© 2003 published in www.crescentlife.com
Points to consider:
1. The Prophet (saw) was not assigned the role of personal 'caretaker' or 'moral supervisor' of people's actions. He was not accountable for their deeds. He conveyed the message and encouraged them to follow according to their own level of faith and commitment; from a simple bedouin who was willing to follow only the minimum requirements of Islam to those who devoted every aspect of their being, their lives and their properties.
2. Consider the Qurânic ayât that say that nobody will be held accountable for another's deeds/faith, etc.
Sûrah al Ma'idah 5.105
O' you who have attained to faith, it is for your own selves that you are responsible...
Sûrah al An'am 6.52
... Thou art in no wise accountable for them - just as they are in no wise accountable for thee.
How does one jump from this to making a husband responsible and accountable for his wife's faith and morality? Keeping in mind that if one is responsible for something, they will also be held accountable for it. The freedom to choose and a willingness to follow your religion and beliefs is upheld by the Qur'ân in every situation and condition, for each and every individual, male or female.
3. There is no compulsion in religion. If one is forced to follow a religion, it implies one is unwilling and when we are unwilling but do it to please someone else, ie: without sincerity; we are nothing but hypocrites. Since nobody is to be forced to comply to the dictates of religion, or for that matter, to any aspect of life... to think that men have been given the power and 'duty' to enforce piety or check the behaviors of women is a little too contrived for convenience. It is absolutely and totally against Islâmic teachings.
Sûrah al Baqarah 2.256
There shall be no coercion in matters of faith.
There are no if, ands or buts about this injunction, it is crystal clear... under no circumstances can one person coerce, force or impose their views, beliefs or opinions on another human being. Basic premise to understand here is that.. whenever something is enforced on a person it becomes 'zulm' or abuse, and oppression is forbidden in Islâm. When Allâh has not taken away our choice, how can any human being even dare to assume that they can?
4. Since Islam allows men to marry women of other faiths without forcing or asking them to convert... and protects their right to practice their own religion… would this mean the husband is not 'qawwamuna' (maintainer/disciplinarian/teacher) over them? If he is, and since she is under no obligation to follow Islamic laws, how does he fulfill this responsibility which is incumbent on him or does he no longer have to be her maintainer? Men are financially responsible for their wives regardless of the faith she follows. One has nothing to do with the other.
5. Is the 'qawwamuna' limitless, or are there limitations to it? What if the husband refuses to act responsibly, or is abusive? What recourse do women have when men are not taking the financial responsibility of maintaining them and the children? What if the husband is taking the financial responsibility of providing for his family but is also abusive?
There are enough incidences from hadith that allow women to take financial matters in their own hands when the men act irresponsibly or miserly, to the right of divorcing such men. As well as permission to leave and divorce a husband who is not responsible or abusive.
6. Does this not go against the Islamic teachings that the only superiority one human being has over the other is in their piety? Doesn't the extended role of teacher/disciplinarian imply that women are dingbats who don't have the sense to know right from wrong unless their husband beats them? Such an attitude toward women is absolutely uncalled for and does not fit the overall Islamic view of women.
7. Spouses are partners/cover for each other... Is it possible to be partners if the husband is the disciplinarian of the wife but the wife does not have the same liberty to correct him? 'Partners' implies equal relationship, not a ruler-ruled or parent-child relationship where one has to utilize disciplinary action to keep the other in line.
Sûrah ar Rum 30.21
"And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might incline towards then, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!
Sûrah al Baqarah 2.187
"... They are as a garment for you, and you are as a garment for them."
Sûrah al Nisa 4.19
"... And consort with your wives in a goodly manner, for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good."
Sûrah al Nisa 4.1
"O mankind! Be conscious of your Sustainer, who has created you out of one living entity (nafs), and out of it created its mate, and out of the two spread abroad a multitude of men and women. And remain conscious of God, in whose name you demand your rights from one another, and of these ties of kinship. Verily, God is ever watchful over you!"
8. The Prophet (saw) was the ‘living Qurân’ he was the exemplar... he repeatedly told men to treat their wives with love, affection and respect; and told them that they could not hit their wives when cases of marital discord were brought to him... was he ignoring this verse or was he really telling us what it actually means?
9. When Islâm allows divorce, and the wife is such a disgrace to the husband, why is he not exercising his right to divorce her? Granted divorce is the most hated act in the sight of God, accepting this verse as is implies that violence toward women is an acceptable alternative to divorce… especially when God has repeatedly expressed dislike for violence and oppression; and has given women the right to divorce? If a man has to keep his wife in line by beating her, wouldn't it imply that she doesn't want to be with him.. and is he then not keeping her against her will?
Sûrah Al-Baqarah 2. 230
‘And women have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable.’
Sûrah Al-Baqarah 2. 231
‘Do not retain them against their will in order to hurt…’
Sûrah An Nisa 4:19
‘It is not lawful for you to try to hold your wives against their will, and neither shall you keep them under constraint with a view to taking away anything of what you may have given them, unless it be that they have become guilty of immoral conduct in an obvious manner. Consort with wives in goodly manner; for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good.’
10. Does being a male automatically imply that he is an upright, moral being? Or is being a male enough to imply intelligence and wisdom, or that he will be fair and just. Does being a male automatically make him knowledgeable about Islam such that he can guide his wife? Verse 2.44 clearly admonishes one from correcting another if you are not on the right path yourself. The way verse 4.34 is often translated gives the impression that just because you are the husband you have the right to enforce compliance, regardless of your own moral character.
Sûrah al Baqarah 2.44
Do you bid other people to be pious, the while you forget your own selves - and yet you recite the divine writ.? Will you not, then, use your reason?
11. What constitutes this preference?
Sûrah al Baqarah 2.228
"…. the rights of the wives (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men have precedence over them (in this respect). And Allah is Almighty, Wise"
The verse reads: "... men have a degree over women" (2:228). On the average, men do have an edge over women in terms of physical strength. Needless to say, this excludes a broad range of exceptions, and is true only in a statistical sense. The same verse notes that "some are better than others," AND does not assign gender to this latter expression. Is it just assumed that it is referring to women? Indeed, there are untold numbers of women who are superior to men in knowledge, in work, and in physical strength.
12. Then there are numerous verses that directly command people to not be violent, to curb their anger, to not oppress anyone... and to assume that Allah allowed men to hit their wives is totally contradictory to this message. Islam goes as far as to admonish abuse of slaves and prisoners of war; so how is it possible that it allows abuse in such an intimate and close relationship?
Sûrah ar Rum 30.21
"And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might incline towards then, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!
There are numerous ahâdîth that admonish men about hitting their wife and then later wanting to be intimate with her, not to mention those that direct men to be gentle, kind and considerate toward women.
13. Does a woman lose her right to self-determination after she gets married? If the husband is the 'maintainer of her affairs', does she lose her rights in those affairs? Considering that a woman keeps her birth name even after marriage, has the right to property, education and work; her right to being an independent being is never compromised by Islam.
Misinterpreting the Limits of Responsibility:
The 'responsibility' of men over women that is being referred to in this situation is about inheritance only.. there is no other instance in the Qur'an where men have been given superiority over women. Financial responsibility for women cannot automatically be extended to include all aspects of life. This advantage is understood as financial responsibility toward the maintenance of women/family. No other kind of superiority has been mentioned anywhere else either. Nowhere in the Quran does it say that men have been given more intelligence, aptitude, common sense, wisdom, faith, piety, morality or anything that would deem them superior to women in any way, shape or form.
I believe that these words have been over-extended to imply 'control' which is misleading, as Islam does not give total power to any one person over another. Even the Prophet (saw) was told that his role was to convey the message of Islam and not to be the caretaker of the people's actions. So for men to be given this 'role' over their wives seems to be far-fetched. I believe that by extending this meaning to imply that husbands are the ones to 'monitor' their wife's morality goes against the message of the Qur'an.
Furthermore, Islam has systematically denounced the control of one man over another, specifically in abolishing slavery, in giving rights to women and children, permission to disobey parents if they ask one to do something that goes against the teaching of God, the permission to disobey the ruler if he is despotic and unfair, to escape from abusive and tyrannical regimes/conditions and most importantly the crystal clear message that the only one to be feared and submitted to is God alone.
Misinterpreting the message:
Most important: You cannot read verse 34 alone, the same issue is being dealt with in verse 35.
4.34 Men shall take financial responsibility of women with the bounties which God has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, with what they spend out of their possessions. And the righteous women are the truly devout ones, who guard the intimacy which God has (ordained to be) guarded. As for those women whose ill-will you fear, talk to them, then leave them alone in bed, then separate from them; and if thereupon they pay you heed, do not seek to harm them. Behold, God is indeed most High, Great!
4.35 And if you have reason to fear that a breach might occur between a couple, appoint an arbiter from among his people and an arbiter from among her people; if they want to set things aright, God may bring about their reconciliation. Behold, God is indeed all-knowing, aware.
How is it possible that it is being said that men can beat their wife and the message following right after it says don't harm them?
Personally, I believe these verses are about checking the attitude of those men who become abusive when in conflict with their wives. To me, it seems to tell men to go through rational and sequential ways of dealing with a conflict and to curb their violent tendency.. it is literally outlining steps they need to take to resolve conflicts. Most rational men do not resort to violence, regardless of the nature of the conflict. If an abusive man can go through these steps to control his anger the problem would be resolved long before such men resort to violence. Can violent men do that?
If you read the following verse, this premise makes the most sense. Verse 4.35 addresses the next step in the situation of marital discord. It clearly says to assign arbiters from both sides and try to resolve the differences. The preceding verse (4.34) fits in.. it is addressing the men and outlining for THEM the steps THEY need to take when THEY fear discord.
Step 1... Talk to your wife
Step 2... Avoid intimacy
Step 3... Separate
Step 4... Involve arbiters
Step 5... Reconcile differences
The interesting thing is that if this verse is understood as permission for husbands to hit their wives, they seem to forget verse 4.128 directed at women who fear abuse by men that allows women to leave such men. If the woman is recalcitrant, what will stop her from using the husband's hitting as reason enough to leave him? So is one verse contradicting another? No... the only rational and logical way of understanding this verse is that it is actually admonishing men to control themselves, it is not giving them carte blanche to hit women when women don't 'obey' them.
Sûrah al Nisa 4.128
"And if a woman has reason to fear ill-treatment from her husband, or that he might turn away from her, it shall not be wrong for the two to set things peacefully to rights between themselves, for peace is best, and selfishness is ever-present in human souls..."
© 2003 published in www.crescentlife.com
A Guide for Imams Dealing with Abusive Men
When in trouble women often go to the imam for help and guidance. However, imams are not trained to handle abuse situations. There are some aspects of this problem in which the imams need to educate themselves. Domestic violence situations can explode and lead to worse abuse if not handled carefully. Below are some pointers for the imams dealing with abuse survivors:
But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame.
The blame is only against those who oppress by wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land, defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty grievous
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.135
"O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest ye swerve, and if ye distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do."
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.58
"Behold, God bids you to deliver all that you have been entrusted with unto those who are entitled thereto, and whenever you judge between people, to judge with justice. Verily, most excellent is what God exhorts you to do: verily, God is all-hearing, all-seeing!"
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.148-149:
"God loves not that evil should be noised abroad in public speech, except where injustice hath been done; for God is He who heareth and knoweth all things. Whether ye publish a good deed or conceal it or cover evil with pardon, verily God doth blot out (sins) and hath power (in the judgment of values)."
Sûrah ad Duha 93.10
And him that seeks thy help shalt thou never chide.
Sûrah 7.33
Say: My Lord has forbidden all atrocities, whether overt or disguised, and harm (ithm).
Sûrah Baqarah 2.217
Oppression is worse than killing
Sûrah al Anfâl 8.39
And fight against them until there is no more oppression and all worship is devoted to God alone.
Sûrah 81:8-9
And when the female (infant) buried alive shall be questioned. For what sin was she killed?
(Note: Is there a difference in physical killing and emotional killing?)
Ahadith
"Support your brother when he commits or suffers injustice". A man asked the Prophet (pbuh): "Messenger of God, I understand that I should support him when he suffers injustice. How do I support him when he commits injustice?" The Prophet (pbuh) answered: "You prevent him from doing injustice. That is the best support you give to him".
"There shall be no infliction of harm on oneself or others"
On the authority of Abu Saeed Al-Khurdari, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say: "Whosoever of you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest of faith."
(Muslim)
The Prophet expressed astonishment at the cruelty of certain men when he said: "Could any of you beat his wife as he would beat a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?" Bukhâri and Muslim.
© 2000 published in www.crescentlife.com
- Be very clear that the violent behavior is unacceptable. This is the first priority. THE VIOLENCE MUST STOP! VIOLENCE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!
- DO NOT TELL THE WIFE TO BE PATIENT AND PRAY, she has used up all her patience and has tried everything before she came to you for help.
- Do not tell the wife that she has to obey her husband. Islam has no tolerance for abuse, violence or zulm... There is not a single ayah in the Quran that tells a woman to stay in an abusive or violent marriage.
- Do not tell the wife to return home and she should try harder to work it out with her husband... she has already tried that and it did not work. She would not have come to you if that was working.
- Make arrangements with local abuse shelters to work with you. Most will provide training seminars and workshops for your community.
- Arrange for safe shelters for the women and children. DO NOT send them back to the abusive husband. Protect the victim, NOT the abuser.
- If you do not have programs within your community, DO NOT prevent, stop or discourage women from seeking help from non-Muslim programs & professionals. Did the Prophet (saw) not seek help from non-Muslims in Medina? Did he not send Muslims to live in non-Islamic countries to avoid persecution in Mecca? What does that tell you?
- Address the issue of Domestic Violence in your Khutbas. Islam = PEACE
Peace within yourself, within your home, within the community and with God. Educate yourself and the community. - Know for a fact that the children are also being abused.
- Do not accept the abuser's excuses or his blaming the victim. Abusers always lie and manipulate. Abusers always present themselves as reasonable men. They are great manipulators. They LIE and cover up their lies, pretending that they are listening to what you tell them. Do not buy into their lies and manipulations.
- Tell the abuser about treatment and other counseling options in your community. Develop a resource directory.
- HOLD ABUSERS ACCOUNTABLE. Promises to change are part of the cycle of violence. Unless they are accompanied by concrete actions, like going for treatment, the promises are meaningless. He MUST ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS, then, if he is serious about changing, he will seek out the help he needs.
- Do not take the abuser's word that the violence has stopped. Check with the victim of abuse alone, without the abuser being present. Often it is necessary for the couple to separate until there is no more danger of abuse."
- DO NOT encourage marital counseling until it is clear that the violence has stopped. In relationships of uneven power, counseling couples together is not appropriate and increases violence. To work with them together before the violence has stopped, only serves to endanger the victim. Know for a fact that the woman will get beaten up when she gets home, he will take his anger out on her, he will take revenge for 'shaming him'... blaming her for his actions.
- If YOU (Imam) minimize, disregard or ignore the abuse, if you do not help the victim, then YOU are condoning abuse, YOU are supporting abuse, YOU will be held accountable.
- Ask yourself... why did the Prophet (saw) migrate from Mecca to Medina? What else but to escape persecution and abuse. What does that tell you? Women escaping from abusive environments are absolutely within the boundaries of what Islam teaches. Staying in abusive environments is UNISLAMIC.
But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame.
The blame is only against those who oppress by wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land, defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty grievous
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.135
"O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest ye swerve, and if ye distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do."
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.58
"Behold, God bids you to deliver all that you have been entrusted with unto those who are entitled thereto, and whenever you judge between people, to judge with justice. Verily, most excellent is what God exhorts you to do: verily, God is all-hearing, all-seeing!"
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.148-149:
"God loves not that evil should be noised abroad in public speech, except where injustice hath been done; for God is He who heareth and knoweth all things. Whether ye publish a good deed or conceal it or cover evil with pardon, verily God doth blot out (sins) and hath power (in the judgment of values)."
Sûrah ad Duha 93.10
And him that seeks thy help shalt thou never chide.
Sûrah 7.33
Say: My Lord has forbidden all atrocities, whether overt or disguised, and harm (ithm).
Sûrah Baqarah 2.217
Oppression is worse than killing
Sûrah al Anfâl 8.39
And fight against them until there is no more oppression and all worship is devoted to God alone.
Sûrah 81:8-9
And when the female (infant) buried alive shall be questioned. For what sin was she killed?
(Note: Is there a difference in physical killing and emotional killing?)
Ahadith
"Support your brother when he commits or suffers injustice". A man asked the Prophet (pbuh): "Messenger of God, I understand that I should support him when he suffers injustice. How do I support him when he commits injustice?" The Prophet (pbuh) answered: "You prevent him from doing injustice. That is the best support you give to him".
"There shall be no infliction of harm on oneself or others"
On the authority of Abu Saeed Al-Khurdari, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say: "Whosoever of you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest of faith."
(Muslim)
The Prophet expressed astonishment at the cruelty of certain men when he said: "Could any of you beat his wife as he would beat a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?" Bukhâri and Muslim.
© 2000 published in www.crescentlife.com
Religious Addiction: Inner Peace Or Inner Turmoil?
Religious beliefs serve an important function in the daily lives and attitudes of most of us. Especially in today’s often chaotic and unpredictable world, a sincere faith in the power of God and adherence to religious rituals can give us better moral guidance, more emotional stability, and valuable serenity. Religion helps people to be centered and grounded.
However, a person’s fervent religious practices can signify other, darker aspects of his or her mental health. For example, if someone’s faith is used to mask or avoid psychological problems, or if their religious inclinations are taken to extremes, there is an excellent possibility that the person is suffering from a psychiatric disorder. Often it is a way to cover their own pathology, hiding it from others or accusing others for being it's cause. This can be compared with Dual Diagnosis in Alcoholism, ie: sometimes when a person deals with their alcoholism and quits drinking, only then does their underlying psychiatric pathology become apparent. Alcohol in this situation was used to self-medicate.
One term used to describe such a case is “hyper-religiosity.” A “hyper” condition of any sort—e.g. hyperactivity, hyperglycemia, etc.—simply means too much of something. In the case of religious beliefs, the question of having too much becomes a factor when the religion starts adversely affecting people’s social behavior, their ability to function rationally, and even their own physical health.
Being very religious is not by any means an absolute indication of bipolar or manic or depressive behavior; on the contrary, a healthy approach to religious rituals is vital for the comfort and well-being of countless people. So it’s a highly sensitive issue to question someone’s beliefs or practices. Nevertheless, anything taken too far can do more harm than good.
Evaluating And Assessing Hyper-Religiosity
If you know someone who is extremely religious, consider their history:
Have they always been that way?
Does their zeal represent a sudden personality change?
Do the religious beliefs provide peace and personal contentment?
Has the person become belligerent and defensive?
Are they gentle in their speech or harsh, argumentative and self-righteous?
Have they become intolerant of other points of view?
Have people started avoiding them?
Has their quality of life improved or deteriorated?
How their religious attitudes affect people can represent an infinite variety of causes and motivations, and the reasons behind those causes can explain a great deal about the individual’s psychological profile and mental stability. It’s not enough to simply say, “His religion makes him feel good,” because there are many troubled people who find similar peace and strength through negative stimuli as well, such as alcohol.
Religion, like alcoholism, can be a crutch, and it can be an addiction. Just as with alcohol, religion may be used to hide other problems. Addiction is defined as the abuse of a substance to cover up the underlying disease or discomfort. Religion can be viewed as an addiction if it is used as a cover up for unresolved issues of shame, anger and authority. When you take away the superficial layers of the drinking or the religion, the underlying pathology is revealed.
Knowing what lies underneath that veneer of religion is critical to understanding the hyper-religious person’s behavior. Therefore, it helps to know what brought about the change in attitude when someone’s conspicuous preoccupation with religious belief and ritual takes on an extreme, consuming new importance in their lives.
A suddenly increased interest in God and religion is often triggered by a trauma or severe anxiety, and those may come in many forms:
Regardless of the reason why a person chooses to pursue religion, at what level does healthy, normal religious belief become abnormal?
Often the personality change is subtle. Eventually, though, hyper-religious behavior will manifest itself in obvious and disconcerting ways, such as:
Loss of Objectivity
Their ability to reason logically can become impaired. An inability to think, doubt, or question religious information and/or authority; and unwillingness to understand the opinions and interpretations of others. A concrete and rigid thinking style develops that does not allow for consideration of extenuating circumstances in a person's life. Black/white, good/bad, either/or simplistic thinking: one way or the other with very little room for grey areas. A tendency toward magical thinking that God will fix you/ do it all, without serious work on your part. Confusion and doubts lead to mental, physical or emotional breakdown. They develop a fear-based belief system.. believing/following a religion out of fear, not understanding and love. They also tend to have a shame-based belief system that they are not good enough or are not doing it right. They believe in a punishing and angry God.
Reactivity: Anger and Defensiveness
If sincere faith in God is supposed to bring peace and contentment, a religious person who is paranoid and confrontational about it may have a larger mental problem. They tend to have increased conflict and argumentation with science, medicine, and education. They tend to become argumentative and defensive in dialog. They have a limited ability to explain their beliefs. Since their belief system about themselves and the world is fear-based, they seldom understand religion, but follow it out of a dependent need for strength and power. Force is their farce.
Judgmental and Critical
Hyper-religiosity may be revealed in someone as unusual self-importance, as if that person were much closer to God, making others around him seem inferior. They develop an uncompromising judgmental attitudes, with a readiness to find fault or evil out there. An attitude of self-righteousness or superiority: "we versus the world," including the denial of one's human-ness. They tend to be blind to their own behaviors, denying their projections on to the idol 'god' they have created.
Obsessive and Compulsive Behavior
Ritual is part of religion, and as such is neither good nor bad. However, when it disrupts normal activities it is unhealthy—as in being unable to function without repeated readings of the same passages, or unusually frequent rituals. Scrupulously rigid and obsessive adherence to rules, codes of ethics, or guidelines. Compulsive rituals or obsessive praying, quoting scriptures and excessive fasting often accompany the change in thinking patterns. Giving up sleeping or eating to pray or meditate. Again, prayer and meditation are important aspects of faith, but not to the point of jeopardizing a person’s health or relationships.
Isolation
Isolation and breakdown of relationships often follows. Progressive detachment from work and relationships is noticeable as they spend more time proselytizing their message. Manipulating scripture or texts, feeling specially chosen, claiming to receive special messages from God, they move further and further away from the mainstream of social contacts.
Breakdown
In severe cases they may also develop some of the following patterns:
Psychosomatic illness: back pains, sleeplessness, headaches, hypertension, etc.
Maintaining a religious "high", trance-like state, keeping a happy face (or the belief that one should...)
Denial of any personal problems
When behavior borders on manic or pathological, the hyper-religious person may even start hallucinating, ie: hearing voices or seeing images, or possibly “talking to God.”
By then, it’s clearly evident something is wrong.
If you know someone whose interest in religion has suddenly (or even gradually) reached a point of fixation—when their regular lives are negatively affected—you need to understand what’s motivating their behavior. The problem could go away, but it could also get worse.
The ultimate temptation of the believer is to assume that his or her way to God is the best or only way for others. The particular Way to God becomes what is adored, not the ineffable and incomprehensible Mystery to which we give the name of God.
In essence they become addicted to their faith. It becomes a means of escape. It is no longer a living BY faith; with understanding, hope and growing in unconditional love. Instead of love of God softening their lives, it makes them harsh, rigid and limited.
© 2000 published on www.crescentlife.com
However, a person’s fervent religious practices can signify other, darker aspects of his or her mental health. For example, if someone’s faith is used to mask or avoid psychological problems, or if their religious inclinations are taken to extremes, there is an excellent possibility that the person is suffering from a psychiatric disorder. Often it is a way to cover their own pathology, hiding it from others or accusing others for being it's cause. This can be compared with Dual Diagnosis in Alcoholism, ie: sometimes when a person deals with their alcoholism and quits drinking, only then does their underlying psychiatric pathology become apparent. Alcohol in this situation was used to self-medicate.
One term used to describe such a case is “hyper-religiosity.” A “hyper” condition of any sort—e.g. hyperactivity, hyperglycemia, etc.—simply means too much of something. In the case of religious beliefs, the question of having too much becomes a factor when the religion starts adversely affecting people’s social behavior, their ability to function rationally, and even their own physical health.
Being very religious is not by any means an absolute indication of bipolar or manic or depressive behavior; on the contrary, a healthy approach to religious rituals is vital for the comfort and well-being of countless people. So it’s a highly sensitive issue to question someone’s beliefs or practices. Nevertheless, anything taken too far can do more harm than good.
Evaluating And Assessing Hyper-Religiosity
If you know someone who is extremely religious, consider their history:
Have they always been that way?
Does their zeal represent a sudden personality change?
Do the religious beliefs provide peace and personal contentment?
Has the person become belligerent and defensive?
Are they gentle in their speech or harsh, argumentative and self-righteous?
Have they become intolerant of other points of view?
Have people started avoiding them?
Has their quality of life improved or deteriorated?
How their religious attitudes affect people can represent an infinite variety of causes and motivations, and the reasons behind those causes can explain a great deal about the individual’s psychological profile and mental stability. It’s not enough to simply say, “His religion makes him feel good,” because there are many troubled people who find similar peace and strength through negative stimuli as well, such as alcohol.
Religion, like alcoholism, can be a crutch, and it can be an addiction. Just as with alcohol, religion may be used to hide other problems. Addiction is defined as the abuse of a substance to cover up the underlying disease or discomfort. Religion can be viewed as an addiction if it is used as a cover up for unresolved issues of shame, anger and authority. When you take away the superficial layers of the drinking or the religion, the underlying pathology is revealed.
Knowing what lies underneath that veneer of religion is critical to understanding the hyper-religious person’s behavior. Therefore, it helps to know what brought about the change in attitude when someone’s conspicuous preoccupation with religious belief and ritual takes on an extreme, consuming new importance in their lives.
A suddenly increased interest in God and religion is often triggered by a trauma or severe anxiety, and those may come in many forms:
- Death of a loved one
- A break in a relationship
- Serious illness or accident
- Personal or financial loss
- Incarceration
Regardless of the reason why a person chooses to pursue religion, at what level does healthy, normal religious belief become abnormal?
Often the personality change is subtle. Eventually, though, hyper-religious behavior will manifest itself in obvious and disconcerting ways, such as:
Loss of Objectivity
Their ability to reason logically can become impaired. An inability to think, doubt, or question religious information and/or authority; and unwillingness to understand the opinions and interpretations of others. A concrete and rigid thinking style develops that does not allow for consideration of extenuating circumstances in a person's life. Black/white, good/bad, either/or simplistic thinking: one way or the other with very little room for grey areas. A tendency toward magical thinking that God will fix you/ do it all, without serious work on your part. Confusion and doubts lead to mental, physical or emotional breakdown. They develop a fear-based belief system.. believing/following a religion out of fear, not understanding and love. They also tend to have a shame-based belief system that they are not good enough or are not doing it right. They believe in a punishing and angry God.
Reactivity: Anger and Defensiveness
If sincere faith in God is supposed to bring peace and contentment, a religious person who is paranoid and confrontational about it may have a larger mental problem. They tend to have increased conflict and argumentation with science, medicine, and education. They tend to become argumentative and defensive in dialog. They have a limited ability to explain their beliefs. Since their belief system about themselves and the world is fear-based, they seldom understand religion, but follow it out of a dependent need for strength and power. Force is their farce.
Judgmental and Critical
Hyper-religiosity may be revealed in someone as unusual self-importance, as if that person were much closer to God, making others around him seem inferior. They develop an uncompromising judgmental attitudes, with a readiness to find fault or evil out there. An attitude of self-righteousness or superiority: "we versus the world," including the denial of one's human-ness. They tend to be blind to their own behaviors, denying their projections on to the idol 'god' they have created.
Obsessive and Compulsive Behavior
Ritual is part of religion, and as such is neither good nor bad. However, when it disrupts normal activities it is unhealthy—as in being unable to function without repeated readings of the same passages, or unusually frequent rituals. Scrupulously rigid and obsessive adherence to rules, codes of ethics, or guidelines. Compulsive rituals or obsessive praying, quoting scriptures and excessive fasting often accompany the change in thinking patterns. Giving up sleeping or eating to pray or meditate. Again, prayer and meditation are important aspects of faith, but not to the point of jeopardizing a person’s health or relationships.
Isolation
Isolation and breakdown of relationships often follows. Progressive detachment from work and relationships is noticeable as they spend more time proselytizing their message. Manipulating scripture or texts, feeling specially chosen, claiming to receive special messages from God, they move further and further away from the mainstream of social contacts.
Breakdown
In severe cases they may also develop some of the following patterns:
Psychosomatic illness: back pains, sleeplessness, headaches, hypertension, etc.
Maintaining a religious "high", trance-like state, keeping a happy face (or the belief that one should...)
Denial of any personal problems
When behavior borders on manic or pathological, the hyper-religious person may even start hallucinating, ie: hearing voices or seeing images, or possibly “talking to God.”
By then, it’s clearly evident something is wrong.
If you know someone whose interest in religion has suddenly (or even gradually) reached a point of fixation—when their regular lives are negatively affected—you need to understand what’s motivating their behavior. The problem could go away, but it could also get worse.
The ultimate temptation of the believer is to assume that his or her way to God is the best or only way for others. The particular Way to God becomes what is adored, not the ineffable and incomprehensible Mystery to which we give the name of God.
In essence they become addicted to their faith. It becomes a means of escape. It is no longer a living BY faith; with understanding, hope and growing in unconditional love. Instead of love of God softening their lives, it makes them harsh, rigid and limited.
© 2000 published on www.crescentlife.com
Muslim Men's Responsibility in Eliminating Oppression of Women
Violence against women is not a marital issue, although it occurs within the context of a marital relationship.
Abuse against women is not a family issue, although it occurs within the context of a family.
Violence against women is not a religious issue, although religion is abused as a means of perpetuating it.
Oppression and abuse of women is a human rights issue. Unless we start seeing it for what it is and recognize the enormity of the crime we cannot find effective solutions. A woman is a human being just like men. The integrity of her mental, emotional and physical being is of equal significance and value. When we hear of a criminal being brutally beaten up in a prison we have no problem seeing that as horrific and abusive... yet when it is women who are being abused we come up with all kinds of excuses to avoid taking action.
Separating the rights of women from those of men implies that one has different rights or greater value than the other. The basic rights accorded to men and women are identical. Women have a right to their person and property, the freedom to choose for themselves and the right to better their life as they see fit... none of these are any different from those of men. Different roles do not automatically eliminate certain rights.
So when the issue of women's rights is labeled as a "women's issue" it is used as an excuse and a cop-out for men to not take responsibility of the oppressive conditions that women are in. This is similar to the language used to refer to women's health as 'female problems'... and there is enough evidence that women's health concerns are minimized and marginalized.
Muslim men cannot and must not exclude themselves from this problem, because when they show no concern, take no action and skirt around the issue... it is viewed as if they oppose it and are perceived as the "enemy" in the fight for women's rights. Muslim men not only should, but must stand up for justice and support women's rights within the framework of the Qurân and Sunnah. Hence eliminating the oppression of women should be of concern to all Muslims.
There are some basic and practical steps men can take that pave the way towards a society that is just and humane, not only for women, but for everyone... since violence against women ultimately affects the whole family, community and the world.
1. Examine your own attitudes & actions
Start with yourself. How do you treat your mother, wife, sister and daughter? Do you treat them respectfully and with consideration? Just paying lip-service is not enough. Do your actions match your words? If you’ve ever been physically violent against a woman, if you’ve committed sexual assault, if you’ve hit, pushed, threatened, kicked your spouse, then you have been part of the problem. Be honest and critical. Innumerable times in the Qurân Muslims are asked to think, ponder, question and examine their beliefs and attitudes... it is mandatory for Muslims to evaluate all their thoughts, feelings and actions.
2. Educate yourself
The most basic step is to educate yourself. Do not rely on some idiot mullah to give you a distorted and ignorant version of his interpretation of the role and rights of women. That is sheer irresponsible behavior and shirking your responsibility. Question and investigate whatever you read. Ask yourself what a just and fair God would say. If you believe half of the ignorant stuff that is passed off as Islâmic... you need to examine your belief about God... because if you believe the ignorant stuff you must not have a very positive belief about God.
3. Be pro-active
Take an active role in expressing your views against the ill treatment of women. Identify and oppose sexual harassment and domestic violence in your workplace, school and family. Become involved by writing letters or articles denouncing the oppression and abuse of women.
Attend a Domestic Violence workshop, talk to women who have been abused. LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY... AND BELIEVE IT. Victims do NOT make up stories. Know that if the woman is being abused in her home, the children in that household are also being abused.
Help men correct their own negative attitudes toward women. Refuse to indulge in insulting comments or obscene jokes or incorrect statements about women. Challenge sexist language, jokes, and media images that degrade women. Sexist jokes, language and harmful media images help create a climate where forms of violence and abuse against women are accepted. Words that degrade women reflect a society that has historically placed women in a second class position.
If you know of a family in which the women are being abused DO INTERFERE.. non-action is just as harmful as abuse since it implies acceptance of abuse. (think about it this way... if you are being beaten black and blue by a bully would you not want someone to step forward and help you?) If you are uncomfortable taking an active role, stick around and call the police, file a report and testify against the abuser.
Men can also get involved locally by volunteering to give talks in schools, communities and workplaces, raise money for shelters and programs, organize special events to support positive roles for men, and talk to young people about healthy relationships.
Raise and teach your children to choose alternatives to violent behavior and language. Until men can hold each other and themselves accountable for men’s violence against women, domestic violence will continue. Abuse is multi-generational, it is learned, it is passed on from father to son, mother to daughter.
4. Support literacy & empowerment of women
The rate of illiteracy of Muslim women is not only unacceptable, it is against the principles of Islâm. Education does not create rebelliousness in women.. abuse does. Denying women an education is a clear indicator that the family or society is abusive and is creating an environment of oppression and abuse. An educated woman is a tremendous asset to her family and the world.
5. Respect women
Women are worthy of respect like any other human being. Learn to respect women. Nowhere in the Quran does it allow disrespect of women. Some men respect their mothers but do not extend that same respect to other women in the family. All women are to be respected.
6. GROW UP
This may sound harsh but the bottom line is that men need to grow up. One of the reasons that men do not speak up against oppression of women is that it affects them directly, sometimes in ways that are not conducive to their comfort. A woman who knows her worth will challenge your biased views and of course that is not going to be comfortable. Giving up the luxury of being served by women while you lounge on the sofa will no longer be an option. Men need to grow up. It is difficult to change negative attitudes and habits but not impossible. It takes conscious effort on a daily basis.
Examining your own beliefs and actions is a basic requirement of Islâm.
© 2003 published on www.crescentlife.com
Abuse against women is not a family issue, although it occurs within the context of a family.
Violence against women is not a religious issue, although religion is abused as a means of perpetuating it.
Oppression and abuse of women is a human rights issue. Unless we start seeing it for what it is and recognize the enormity of the crime we cannot find effective solutions. A woman is a human being just like men. The integrity of her mental, emotional and physical being is of equal significance and value. When we hear of a criminal being brutally beaten up in a prison we have no problem seeing that as horrific and abusive... yet when it is women who are being abused we come up with all kinds of excuses to avoid taking action.
Separating the rights of women from those of men implies that one has different rights or greater value than the other. The basic rights accorded to men and women are identical. Women have a right to their person and property, the freedom to choose for themselves and the right to better their life as they see fit... none of these are any different from those of men. Different roles do not automatically eliminate certain rights.
So when the issue of women's rights is labeled as a "women's issue" it is used as an excuse and a cop-out for men to not take responsibility of the oppressive conditions that women are in. This is similar to the language used to refer to women's health as 'female problems'... and there is enough evidence that women's health concerns are minimized and marginalized.
Muslim men cannot and must not exclude themselves from this problem, because when they show no concern, take no action and skirt around the issue... it is viewed as if they oppose it and are perceived as the "enemy" in the fight for women's rights. Muslim men not only should, but must stand up for justice and support women's rights within the framework of the Qurân and Sunnah. Hence eliminating the oppression of women should be of concern to all Muslims.
There are some basic and practical steps men can take that pave the way towards a society that is just and humane, not only for women, but for everyone... since violence against women ultimately affects the whole family, community and the world.
1. Examine your own attitudes & actions
Start with yourself. How do you treat your mother, wife, sister and daughter? Do you treat them respectfully and with consideration? Just paying lip-service is not enough. Do your actions match your words? If you’ve ever been physically violent against a woman, if you’ve committed sexual assault, if you’ve hit, pushed, threatened, kicked your spouse, then you have been part of the problem. Be honest and critical. Innumerable times in the Qurân Muslims are asked to think, ponder, question and examine their beliefs and attitudes... it is mandatory for Muslims to evaluate all their thoughts, feelings and actions.
2. Educate yourself
The most basic step is to educate yourself. Do not rely on some idiot mullah to give you a distorted and ignorant version of his interpretation of the role and rights of women. That is sheer irresponsible behavior and shirking your responsibility. Question and investigate whatever you read. Ask yourself what a just and fair God would say. If you believe half of the ignorant stuff that is passed off as Islâmic... you need to examine your belief about God... because if you believe the ignorant stuff you must not have a very positive belief about God.
3. Be pro-active
Take an active role in expressing your views against the ill treatment of women. Identify and oppose sexual harassment and domestic violence in your workplace, school and family. Become involved by writing letters or articles denouncing the oppression and abuse of women.
Attend a Domestic Violence workshop, talk to women who have been abused. LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY... AND BELIEVE IT. Victims do NOT make up stories. Know that if the woman is being abused in her home, the children in that household are also being abused.
Help men correct their own negative attitudes toward women. Refuse to indulge in insulting comments or obscene jokes or incorrect statements about women. Challenge sexist language, jokes, and media images that degrade women. Sexist jokes, language and harmful media images help create a climate where forms of violence and abuse against women are accepted. Words that degrade women reflect a society that has historically placed women in a second class position.
Learn why some men are abusive. Men are not born violent. Men’s violence is a result of the way many men learn to express their masculinity in their relationships. They probably saw it at home and learned to express anger in an aggressive and violent manner.
If you know of a family in which the women are being abused DO INTERFERE.. non-action is just as harmful as abuse since it implies acceptance of abuse. (think about it this way... if you are being beaten black and blue by a bully would you not want someone to step forward and help you?) If you are uncomfortable taking an active role, stick around and call the police, file a report and testify against the abuser.
Men can also get involved locally by volunteering to give talks in schools, communities and workplaces, raise money for shelters and programs, organize special events to support positive roles for men, and talk to young people about healthy relationships.
Raise and teach your children to choose alternatives to violent behavior and language. Until men can hold each other and themselves accountable for men’s violence against women, domestic violence will continue. Abuse is multi-generational, it is learned, it is passed on from father to son, mother to daughter.
4. Support literacy & empowerment of women
The rate of illiteracy of Muslim women is not only unacceptable, it is against the principles of Islâm. Education does not create rebelliousness in women.. abuse does. Denying women an education is a clear indicator that the family or society is abusive and is creating an environment of oppression and abuse. An educated woman is a tremendous asset to her family and the world.
5. Respect women
Women are worthy of respect like any other human being. Learn to respect women. Nowhere in the Quran does it allow disrespect of women. Some men respect their mothers but do not extend that same respect to other women in the family. All women are to be respected.
6. GROW UP
This may sound harsh but the bottom line is that men need to grow up. One of the reasons that men do not speak up against oppression of women is that it affects them directly, sometimes in ways that are not conducive to their comfort. A woman who knows her worth will challenge your biased views and of course that is not going to be comfortable. Giving up the luxury of being served by women while you lounge on the sofa will no longer be an option. Men need to grow up. It is difficult to change negative attitudes and habits but not impossible. It takes conscious effort on a daily basis.
Examining your own beliefs and actions is a basic requirement of Islâm.
© 2003 published on www.crescentlife.com
Domestic Violence: Islamic Perspective
The Family Violence Prevention Fund describes abuse as "a pattern of purposeful behaviors, directed at achieving compliance from or control over, the victim."
When these behaviors escalate to violence, creating "domestic violence," the definition becomes, "a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner."
Domestic Violence includes mental, emotional, verbal, sexual or physical abuse such as constant demeaning and humiliating remarks, threats, slapping, kicking, hitting, choking, destroying property, economic deprivation, forced sexual activity, isolation and starvation.
The nature of abuse is that it is progressive; it gets from bad to worse if you do not put a stop to it. Emotional and verbal abuse shifts into overt threats and physical abuse.
Abuse is often a family pattern that repeats through generations. Abusers and victims witnessed these patterns in their family of origin; they learned these behaviors and styles of relating with others through the example set for them. Children living in homes where a mother is abused are more likely to be abused themselves. These children grow up to become abusers or victims of abuse... they learn these patterns of abuse from their parents. Just like charity begins at home, abuse also starts at home.
Islâmic Perspective:
To examine the issue of Domestic Violence from the Islamic perspective, we need to look at what Islam teaches about zulm (cruelty) and ádl (justice).
We know that Islâm condemns violence in every form... be it at the personal, social or national level. 'Zulm'... the all-encompassing term used for abuse or cruelty in the Qur’ân is best translated as 'putting asunder anything from its natural state.' This includes causing harm and misuse, eg: misusing or abusing the natural elements in the environment; wastage of any kind, be it water, food or wealth. The Quran is clear on the importance it gives to respecting human life, relationships, property, and the environment. There are numerous verses that warn us against causing harm, creating an environment of oppression and aggression; and cautions us against being harsh, cruel or unjust. The concept of ‘zulm’ then includes all forms of domestic violence and abuse.
Islâm demands that Muslims exercise justice in every aspect of life, above and beyond anyone we may hold dear to us; so much so, that we have been enjoined to:
"O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, whether it is (against) rich or poor, for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do."
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.135
Keeping these concepts in mind, Muslims cannot afford to close their eyes and avoid addressing an issue that goes against Islâm in every way you look at it.
According to a survey of 63 Muslim community workers, leaders, and individuals done in 1993 by the North American Council for Muslim Women, domestic violence (including everything from hitting to incest) against Muslim women and children occurred in ten percent of the population of Muslims. If verbal and psychological abuse were added to this, the figure would rise considerably.
Not only are these statistics disgustingly high, but what is worse is that we are not openly and aggressively addressing this problem. We have no organized program to take care of the abused women and children, nor do we have a program to rehabilitate the abusers. Digging our head deeper in the sand will not make the problem go away. Instead it will mushroom and become the inheritance of the next generation.
Abused Women & Children
Many Muslim women feel compelled to stay in abusive relationships, as it is wrongfully believed that they are supposed to unconditionally "obey their husbands". Women feel pressured to not bring shame to their family by revealing the abuse in their marriage and believe that it is their responsibility alone to maintain peace in the home. Lack of social support for abused and divorced women contributes in perpetuating this problem. Lack of courage to take a strong & purposeful stand against abusive men also perpetuates violence as it is unaddressed.
Rather than offering protection and help to battered women, most imams and community leaders, who are not trained in handling this complex problem, often advise women to return to their violent homes and be "better wives" by "trying harder to please their husband"... implying that the women are somehow responsible for the abuse, that if they really were "good" they would not get abused. Nothing can be further from the truth. Hence abused women often end up feeling abandoned by their own family, friends & community.
Our attitude should be such that the abused woman feels supported and helped. There is no excuse for putting a victim in a situation where she is uncomfortable and treating her in such a manner that she feels ashamed to reach out for help.
When working with abused women, it is not a very smart idea to tell the woman to be patient, she has used up all her patience before she came to you for help, don’t add insult to injury. Do not tell the wife that she has to obey her husband; violence has nothing to do with her disobedience.
Do not tell the wife to return home and to try working out the problem with her husband in the privacy of her home... Know for a fact that she has already tried that and it did not work. Sending battered women back to their abusive husbands is extremely dangerous. In most cases the abuse escalates and becomes more violent.
Protect the victim, NOT the abuser. Instead recognize and respect her courage. She is within the bounds of her rights to seek help and to protect herself and her children from violence.
Know for a fact that the children are also being abused. Everyone that works with children is mandated by law to report all abuse cases to the Division of Family Services. DFS phone # 1-800-392-3738
Abusive Men
The attitude with the abuser has to be sterner.
In working with abusers do not accept his excuses or his blaming the victim. Abusers always lie and manipulate, presenting themselves as reasonable men.
HOLD ABUSERS ACCOUNTABLE.
Do not buy into their lies and manipulations. Promises to change are part of the cycle of violence. Unless these promises are accompanied by concrete actions, the promises are meaningless. He must accept responsibility for his actions, and then, if he is serious about changing, he will seek help. Do not take the abuser's word that the violence has stopped. Check with the victim in privacy, not in front of the abuser.
“But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame. The blame is only against those who oppress by wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land, defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty grievous.”
Sûrah ash Shura 42.41-42
In a situation where there is active, ongoing abuse, marital counseling is dangerous and harmful, until it is clear that the violence has stopped. In abusive relationships counseling couples together often increases the episodes and intensity of violence. To work with them together before the violence has stopped, only serves to endanger the victim. Both have to work individually before any work can be done as a couple.
Taking Action
To address this issue we must work at two levels: education and action. Addressing one without the other will not be effective nor will it have a lasting effect.
1. Education:
Education should involve correcting misconceptions, incorrect and misconstrued beliefs, as well as learning how domestic violence impacts the individual, family and community. The focus at this stage is recognizing the damage abuse causes and at correcting oneself.
Our first step should be in being very clear in the stance that domestic violence is unacceptable. This must be our first priority. VIOLENCE MUST STOP! VIOLENCE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. This message should be loud and clear. To achieve this goal we need to have seminars and workshops. The imams need to address the issue of domestic violence in the ‘khutba’. Silence implies condoning abuse.
2. Action:
a. Hotline and Shelter
We need to have an active 24-hour hotline service, with trained staff that can guide the abused women in the steps she needs to take to protect herself and the children. Know for a fact that by the time the woman is calling for help, she has tried all other measures, is in danger and immediate action is needed. In most situations this means she needs to be removed from her situation.
Therefore, it is extremely important that we have a shelter for the women and children. Since we do not have a shelter for abused families at this time, we may need to make temporary arrangements with local abuse shelters, and develop a safe-family system to provide protection to the women and children.
b. Rehabilitating the Abuser
Abusive men need to be rehabilitated. They need to learn how to deal with their anger in appropriate and acceptable ways. Generally this is a resistive and difficult group to treat and the success rate is low, since they can get away with abuse they do not have the incentive to change their ways. Only under pressure from the community, constant monitoring and intense treatment is there any possibility of rehabilitation.
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
Sahih Bukhâri. Volume 3, Book 43, Number 624
Domestic Violence is NOT a ‘women’s issue’… men must take an active, visible and responsible role in addressing this issue. It is a community issue. Abused women need the support of loving, caring, gentle men; and the abusive men need to be shown how to respect women and to become real men. Children from abused homes also need to be around caring and compassionate men. Being around caring men and women starts the process of healing.
We need to implement these plans, and need the help of the community to be actively involved. The nature of this issue is such that we need volunteers who are willing to go through a training program, can be available consistently and for fairly large amounts of time. If you are willing to make this commitment, please fill out the social services volunteer form.
If WE (the community) minimize, disregard and ignore the abuse occurring in our community, if we do not help the victim and the abuser, then we are condoning abuse, we are supporting abuse, and we will be held accountable for our passivity and lack of action.
© 2002 www.crescentlife.com
When these behaviors escalate to violence, creating "domestic violence," the definition becomes, "a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner."
Domestic Violence includes mental, emotional, verbal, sexual or physical abuse such as constant demeaning and humiliating remarks, threats, slapping, kicking, hitting, choking, destroying property, economic deprivation, forced sexual activity, isolation and starvation.
The nature of abuse is that it is progressive; it gets from bad to worse if you do not put a stop to it. Emotional and verbal abuse shifts into overt threats and physical abuse.
Abuse is often a family pattern that repeats through generations. Abusers and victims witnessed these patterns in their family of origin; they learned these behaviors and styles of relating with others through the example set for them. Children living in homes where a mother is abused are more likely to be abused themselves. These children grow up to become abusers or victims of abuse... they learn these patterns of abuse from their parents. Just like charity begins at home, abuse also starts at home.
Islâmic Perspective:
To examine the issue of Domestic Violence from the Islamic perspective, we need to look at what Islam teaches about zulm (cruelty) and ádl (justice).
We know that Islâm condemns violence in every form... be it at the personal, social or national level. 'Zulm'... the all-encompassing term used for abuse or cruelty in the Qur’ân is best translated as 'putting asunder anything from its natural state.' This includes causing harm and misuse, eg: misusing or abusing the natural elements in the environment; wastage of any kind, be it water, food or wealth. The Quran is clear on the importance it gives to respecting human life, relationships, property, and the environment. There are numerous verses that warn us against causing harm, creating an environment of oppression and aggression; and cautions us against being harsh, cruel or unjust. The concept of ‘zulm’ then includes all forms of domestic violence and abuse.
Islâm demands that Muslims exercise justice in every aspect of life, above and beyond anyone we may hold dear to us; so much so, that we have been enjoined to:
"O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, whether it is (against) rich or poor, for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do."
Sûrah an Nisa' 4.135
Keeping these concepts in mind, Muslims cannot afford to close their eyes and avoid addressing an issue that goes against Islâm in every way you look at it.
According to a survey of 63 Muslim community workers, leaders, and individuals done in 1993 by the North American Council for Muslim Women, domestic violence (including everything from hitting to incest) against Muslim women and children occurred in ten percent of the population of Muslims. If verbal and psychological abuse were added to this, the figure would rise considerably.
Not only are these statistics disgustingly high, but what is worse is that we are not openly and aggressively addressing this problem. We have no organized program to take care of the abused women and children, nor do we have a program to rehabilitate the abusers. Digging our head deeper in the sand will not make the problem go away. Instead it will mushroom and become the inheritance of the next generation.
Abused Women & Children
Many Muslim women feel compelled to stay in abusive relationships, as it is wrongfully believed that they are supposed to unconditionally "obey their husbands". Women feel pressured to not bring shame to their family by revealing the abuse in their marriage and believe that it is their responsibility alone to maintain peace in the home. Lack of social support for abused and divorced women contributes in perpetuating this problem. Lack of courage to take a strong & purposeful stand against abusive men also perpetuates violence as it is unaddressed.
Rather than offering protection and help to battered women, most imams and community leaders, who are not trained in handling this complex problem, often advise women to return to their violent homes and be "better wives" by "trying harder to please their husband"... implying that the women are somehow responsible for the abuse, that if they really were "good" they would not get abused. Nothing can be further from the truth. Hence abused women often end up feeling abandoned by their own family, friends & community.
Our attitude should be such that the abused woman feels supported and helped. There is no excuse for putting a victim in a situation where she is uncomfortable and treating her in such a manner that she feels ashamed to reach out for help.
Sûrah ad Doha 93.10
And him that seeks thy help shalt thou never chide.
And him that seeks thy help shalt thou never chide.
When working with abused women, it is not a very smart idea to tell the woman to be patient, she has used up all her patience before she came to you for help, don’t add insult to injury. Do not tell the wife that she has to obey her husband; violence has nothing to do with her disobedience.
Do not tell the wife to return home and to try working out the problem with her husband in the privacy of her home... Know for a fact that she has already tried that and it did not work. Sending battered women back to their abusive husbands is extremely dangerous. In most cases the abuse escalates and becomes more violent.
Protect the victim, NOT the abuser. Instead recognize and respect her courage. She is within the bounds of her rights to seek help and to protect herself and her children from violence.
Know for a fact that the children are also being abused. Everyone that works with children is mandated by law to report all abuse cases to the Division of Family Services. DFS phone # 1-800-392-3738
Abusive Men
The attitude with the abuser has to be sterner.
In working with abusers do not accept his excuses or his blaming the victim. Abusers always lie and manipulate, presenting themselves as reasonable men.
HOLD ABUSERS ACCOUNTABLE.
Do not buy into their lies and manipulations. Promises to change are part of the cycle of violence. Unless these promises are accompanied by concrete actions, the promises are meaningless. He must accept responsibility for his actions, and then, if he is serious about changing, he will seek help. Do not take the abuser's word that the violence has stopped. Check with the victim in privacy, not in front of the abuser.
“But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame. The blame is only against those who oppress by wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land, defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty grievous.”
Sûrah ash Shura 42.41-42
In a situation where there is active, ongoing abuse, marital counseling is dangerous and harmful, until it is clear that the violence has stopped. In abusive relationships counseling couples together often increases the episodes and intensity of violence. To work with them together before the violence has stopped, only serves to endanger the victim. Both have to work individually before any work can be done as a couple.
Taking Action
To address this issue we must work at two levels: education and action. Addressing one without the other will not be effective nor will it have a lasting effect.
1. Education:
Education should involve correcting misconceptions, incorrect and misconstrued beliefs, as well as learning how domestic violence impacts the individual, family and community. The focus at this stage is recognizing the damage abuse causes and at correcting oneself.
Our first step should be in being very clear in the stance that domestic violence is unacceptable. This must be our first priority. VIOLENCE MUST STOP! VIOLENCE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. This message should be loud and clear. To achieve this goal we need to have seminars and workshops. The imams need to address the issue of domestic violence in the ‘khutba’. Silence implies condoning abuse.
2. Action:
a. Hotline and Shelter
We need to have an active 24-hour hotline service, with trained staff that can guide the abused women in the steps she needs to take to protect herself and the children. Know for a fact that by the time the woman is calling for help, she has tried all other measures, is in danger and immediate action is needed. In most situations this means she needs to be removed from her situation.
Therefore, it is extremely important that we have a shelter for the women and children. Since we do not have a shelter for abused families at this time, we may need to make temporary arrangements with local abuse shelters, and develop a safe-family system to provide protection to the women and children.
b. Rehabilitating the Abuser
Abusive men need to be rehabilitated. They need to learn how to deal with their anger in appropriate and acceptable ways. Generally this is a resistive and difficult group to treat and the success rate is low, since they can get away with abuse they do not have the incentive to change their ways. Only under pressure from the community, constant monitoring and intense treatment is there any possibility of rehabilitation.
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
Sahih Bukhâri. Volume 3, Book 43, Number 624
Domestic Violence is NOT a ‘women’s issue’… men must take an active, visible and responsible role in addressing this issue. It is a community issue. Abused women need the support of loving, caring, gentle men; and the abusive men need to be shown how to respect women and to become real men. Children from abused homes also need to be around caring and compassionate men. Being around caring men and women starts the process of healing.
We need to implement these plans, and need the help of the community to be actively involved. The nature of this issue is such that we need volunteers who are willing to go through a training program, can be available consistently and for fairly large amounts of time. If you are willing to make this commitment, please fill out the social services volunteer form.
If WE (the community) minimize, disregard and ignore the abuse occurring in our community, if we do not help the victim and the abuser, then we are condoning abuse, we are supporting abuse, and we will be held accountable for our passivity and lack of action.
© 2002 www.crescentlife.com
Misinterpretations about Islam that Perpetuate Domestic Violence
Muslim women often feel compelled to stay in abusive relationships as it is believed that they are supposed to "obey their husbands".
Women feel pressured to not bring shame to their family by revealing the abuse in their marriage and believe that it is their responsibility to maintain peace in the home.
Abused women often feel abandoned by family, friends and God.
Rather than offering protection and help to battered women, imams and community leaders often advise women to return to violent homes and be "better wives" by "trying harder to please their husband"... implying that they are somehow responsible for the abuse, that if they really were "good" they would not get abused. Nothing can be further from the truth.
For misinterpretations to stop we need to question our understanding of Islam. The answer is easy if we ask ourselves these very simple, basic questions about the philosophy of Islam:
© 1999 published on www.crescentlife.com
Women feel pressured to not bring shame to their family by revealing the abuse in their marriage and believe that it is their responsibility to maintain peace in the home.
Abused women often feel abandoned by family, friends and God.
Rather than offering protection and help to battered women, imams and community leaders often advise women to return to violent homes and be "better wives" by "trying harder to please their husband"... implying that they are somehow responsible for the abuse, that if they really were "good" they would not get abused. Nothing can be further from the truth.
For misinterpretations to stop we need to question our understanding of Islam. The answer is easy if we ask ourselves these very simple, basic questions about the philosophy of Islam:
- Does Islam allow/encourage 'zulm' (violence, cruelty or abuse)?
No - Does Islam give ANY human being the right to rule over another?
No - Does Islam hold each individual accountable for his/her actions?
Yes - Does Islam allow anyone to take away the God-given rights of another?
No - Does Islam hold women accountable for their deeds in the same way as it does men?
Yes - Does Islam allow women to leave/divorce an abusive husband?
Yes - Does Islam teach that women and children are the property of men?
No - Did the Prophet Muhammad (saaw) ever beat/push/yell at any of his wives?
No - What does Islam teach us about relationships? (husband/wife and parent/child)
To treat everyone with love, kindness, compassion.. be it a family member, slave or a captive prisoner. - Why did the Prophet (saaw) not abuse his wives... or anyone else?
Simple... Abuse in any form is NOT allowed in Islam.
© 1999 published on www.crescentlife.com
The Cycle of Violence & Abuse
Abuse or physical violence is a recurring cycle that progressively gets more intense & severe, the frequency increases and the modes of abuse become multiple.
Wooing Phase:
Most relationships are rarely violent from the beginning as there is no cumulative stress between partners. Both are on their best behavior and trying to impress each other.
As the relationship continues, the demands, expectations and stress increases. At this phase violence is directed toward objects rather than the partner. ie: punching doors, kicking furniture, throwing objects, breaking stuff, etc. The abusive behavior is reinforced by a release of tension following this aggressive action. Aggressive behavior is a maladaptive coping mechanism to release tension and stress.
The violence then moves from objects to spouse and there is an increase in verbal abuse, ie: yelling, screaming, increased arguments, insults, name-calling, etc. and in general tends to become more critical of the victim.
The attacked partner (or victim) begins to alter his/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the physical violence. The partner works harder at keeping the house cleaner, the children quieter, helping more with chores, staying home more often, etc... anything to not get the abuser angry or to trigger another outburst.
The victim has bought into the belief that he/she is the cause of the abuser's anger. The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate. The victim tends to pull away from the abusive spouse and feels responsible for the abuse, often blaming themselves, feeling inadequate and a failure.
The abuser's control starts becoming more pervasive, and spills over into all aspects of the victim's life. He/she may become obsessively jealous and tries to control most of the partner's behavior or time, i.e. where the partner will go, with whom, how they should dress and will even forbid the partner from seeing certain people. The abuser isolates the partner from family and friends. Emotional manipulation and black-mailing the partner into believing that if they loved them, they would not need others, or that since they are married their place is with each other... even to the exclusion of sharing any 'private' stuff with family or close friends. Insisting that they should keep their personal life private and to maintain secrecy. Having effectively cut off any reality-checking that he/she could do if she shared his/her problem with family or friends.
The victim tends to feel that nothing they do is good enough for the abuser, that they are walking on eggshells and feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion. They start doubting their ability to discern right from wrong.
The abuser believes that the victim should be able to make them feel better if they changed, they blame the victim for making them feel miserable and deny that they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed and insecure. The abuser feels powerless and stuck, yet unwilling to look at themselves, it does not occur to them that the problem may be with them.
Active Phase:
Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit. The pattern of abuse is so well established that they know what button to push and what reaction they will get. They know what will escalate the situation. It has become a well choreographed dance.
The victim being unprepared for the incident, is shocked at where it came from and is terrified, ashamed, humiliated, degraded and angry. The victim tends to wrongly blame themselves for the violence.
The abuser feels out of control, tries to prove to himself that he/she is in control and does so by abusing the victim. The abuser blames the victim for their loss of control, their violent outburst and believes that the victim instigated it. They usually believe that the abuse solved the problem.
The Morning After Phase:
This phase is also called the 'Honeymoon Phase'. I prefer calling it the Morning After Phase as it has characteristics similar to the disoriented hangover of a drunk, and the guilt after a one night stand.
This phase is characterized by shame and guilt-provoked resolve to change, with promises of never abusing again and begging for forgiveness.
At this stage the abuser feels temporarily in control, takes some responsibility for his/her behavior, giving the partner hope for change. Even though the abuser is afraid of the intensity of their own anger and that the victim will leave them, they minimize the abuse and want to avoid dealing with it.
The victim, on the other hand, feels scared, wants to leave the abuser, feels guilty about wanting to leave the abuser when he is promising to change, wants to believe all the promises and feels helpless, depressed, trapped and very confused.
Unfortunately however, usually there is no intervention, neither seek to follow up on the promises and resolves. The relationship continues and with every such cycle the possibility that the violence will escalate and the severity increase will get greater.
Unless the abuser receives help in learning how to deal with stress and anger, this phase will only last a period of time. The stress and tension will again begin to increase and the cycle repeat itself.
And the cycle continues... back to the very short-lived wooing phase, then the building up of the tension, to active abuse phase and on to the morning after phase. As the pattern gets more established, the phases get shorter and shorter, and the abuse gets more severe and violent.
Both the abuser and victim need to get long-term professional help. Both need to learn their own dynamics of what keeps them stuck in their unhealthy and damaging patterns of behavior. Both need to work VERY hard at breaking the cycle.
©1999 published on www.crescentlife.com
Wooing Phase:
Most relationships are rarely violent from the beginning as there is no cumulative stress between partners. Both are on their best behavior and trying to impress each other.
As the relationship continues, the demands, expectations and stress increases. At this phase violence is directed toward objects rather than the partner. ie: punching doors, kicking furniture, throwing objects, breaking stuff, etc. The abusive behavior is reinforced by a release of tension following this aggressive action. Aggressive behavior is a maladaptive coping mechanism to release tension and stress.
The violence then moves from objects to spouse and there is an increase in verbal abuse, ie: yelling, screaming, increased arguments, insults, name-calling, etc. and in general tends to become more critical of the victim.
The attacked partner (or victim) begins to alter his/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the physical violence. The partner works harder at keeping the house cleaner, the children quieter, helping more with chores, staying home more often, etc... anything to not get the abuser angry or to trigger another outburst.
The victim has bought into the belief that he/she is the cause of the abuser's anger. The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate. The victim tends to pull away from the abusive spouse and feels responsible for the abuse, often blaming themselves, feeling inadequate and a failure.
The abuser's control starts becoming more pervasive, and spills over into all aspects of the victim's life. He/she may become obsessively jealous and tries to control most of the partner's behavior or time, i.e. where the partner will go, with whom, how they should dress and will even forbid the partner from seeing certain people. The abuser isolates the partner from family and friends. Emotional manipulation and black-mailing the partner into believing that if they loved them, they would not need others, or that since they are married their place is with each other... even to the exclusion of sharing any 'private' stuff with family or close friends. Insisting that they should keep their personal life private and to maintain secrecy. Having effectively cut off any reality-checking that he/she could do if she shared his/her problem with family or friends.
The victim tends to feel that nothing they do is good enough for the abuser, that they are walking on eggshells and feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion. They start doubting their ability to discern right from wrong.
The abuser believes that the victim should be able to make them feel better if they changed, they blame the victim for making them feel miserable and deny that they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed and insecure. The abuser feels powerless and stuck, yet unwilling to look at themselves, it does not occur to them that the problem may be with them.
Active Phase:
Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit. The pattern of abuse is so well established that they know what button to push and what reaction they will get. They know what will escalate the situation. It has become a well choreographed dance.
The victim being unprepared for the incident, is shocked at where it came from and is terrified, ashamed, humiliated, degraded and angry. The victim tends to wrongly blame themselves for the violence.
The abuser feels out of control, tries to prove to himself that he/she is in control and does so by abusing the victim. The abuser blames the victim for their loss of control, their violent outburst and believes that the victim instigated it. They usually believe that the abuse solved the problem.
The Morning After Phase:
This phase is also called the 'Honeymoon Phase'. I prefer calling it the Morning After Phase as it has characteristics similar to the disoriented hangover of a drunk, and the guilt after a one night stand.
This phase is characterized by shame and guilt-provoked resolve to change, with promises of never abusing again and begging for forgiveness.
At this stage the abuser feels temporarily in control, takes some responsibility for his/her behavior, giving the partner hope for change. Even though the abuser is afraid of the intensity of their own anger and that the victim will leave them, they minimize the abuse and want to avoid dealing with it.
The victim, on the other hand, feels scared, wants to leave the abuser, feels guilty about wanting to leave the abuser when he is promising to change, wants to believe all the promises and feels helpless, depressed, trapped and very confused.
Unfortunately however, usually there is no intervention, neither seek to follow up on the promises and resolves. The relationship continues and with every such cycle the possibility that the violence will escalate and the severity increase will get greater.
Unless the abuser receives help in learning how to deal with stress and anger, this phase will only last a period of time. The stress and tension will again begin to increase and the cycle repeat itself.
And the cycle continues... back to the very short-lived wooing phase, then the building up of the tension, to active abuse phase and on to the morning after phase. As the pattern gets more established, the phases get shorter and shorter, and the abuse gets more severe and violent.
Both the abuser and victim need to get long-term professional help. Both need to learn their own dynamics of what keeps them stuck in their unhealthy and damaging patterns of behavior. Both need to work VERY hard at breaking the cycle.
©1999 published on www.crescentlife.com
Choice: Right and Responsibility
One of the goals of Allah's message to humankind is the attainment of justice in our personal lives and society in general. Justice, the foundation of Islam, cannot be achieved without securing the rights of every individual and group. The most basic human right is the right to believe and the freedom to live with one's beliefs.
Freedom of choice cannot be separated from the right to think and believe. The ability to think, to believe and to express one's beliefs is a special gift to humankind from Allah.... this is what separates us from His other creations. One cannot restrict choice without restricting one's ability to think and believe.
Is it possible to have a belief without having the freedom to think?
Is it possible to have the freedom to think without having the freedom to choose?
Thought is defined as: the act or process of thinking; the power of reasoning; an idea, opinion, plan, etc.; the ideas prevalent to a certain group, period, etc.; attention, consideration; and intention or expectation. The process of thinking involves giving consideration to an idea or thought, to evaluate, to reason, to work out, to believe, to view from all possible angles before reaching a decision.
The initial revelation gives the command to 'read/recite'... I doubt if it meant to do so without comprehension, without understanding or thinking. Comprehension requires reasoning, evaluating, and considering. We cannot reason without the freedom to think and to draw conclusions from the process. Freedom of choice is inherent in the repeated injunctions to 'think, consider, ponder.... ' in the Qur'ân.
Freedom of thought and belief is repeatedly emphasized in the Qur'ân, but the underlying freedom of choice is overlooked. Without the freedom to choose would there be a freedom of thought or belief? Take away the freedom to choose and you take away the freedom of thought and belief. The following ayaat make it quite clear that we can guide or direct another person, but we cannot and should not take it on ourselves to compel them to choose a certain way... this was not the role of the prophet (saaw) and it is definitely not our place either. The fact that we cannot compel or coerce is enough to understand the significance of choice in Islam.
"And had your Lord so willed, all those who live on earth would have attained to faith - all of them, do you then think that you could compel people to believe?" (10:99)
"And so (O Prophet) exhort them; your task is only to exhort; you cannot compel" (88:21-22).
"There shall be no coercion in matters of faith" (2:256)
We can look at all the stories in the Qur'ân of the previous generations of people and the Prophets (aas), their trials and tribulations.... and we see a common thread emerge... choice... they were given the guidelines by Allah Ta'ala, and then they were allowed to make the choice, based on their understanding, level of faith, belief and desire to follow the right path. None were compelled to make a choice.
Coercion and force are used only when we are unable to convince with reasoning. Force is the method used by the uninformed as a tool for intimidation. It is always a power play. It is demeaning and insulting to humanity. And it is definitely not Islamic. So what makes freedom of choice a responsibility, and not a frivolous liberty to abuse?
Islam expects us to educate ourselves. Islam encourages the process of introspection and self-evaluation.... to look within and to continuously take steps to improve ourselves. Islam does not allow stagnant existence. Islam teaches us to strive for excellence in everything we do. Passivity is not permitted in Islam. We are accountable for our every action.... What are actions based on? Our thoughts and the choices we make. Since we are held accountable for our actions, the freedom to choose becomes a right, a duty and a responsibility. (in the court of Allah we will not be able to plead temporary insanity or ignorance and get away with it ;-)
Explore the profundity of the statement: 'We are accountable for our actions'... not our thoughts... why? Because our actions are based on an active choice we make. Our thoughts stray at times, but as long as we don't act on them we are not accountable for them. The stress is on our choice of action. Making right choices is learned through the process of thinking, evaluating, questioning and exploring.
We can make right choices only when we are fully aware and cognizant of the facts.
We cannot afford to squelch the freedom of thought and choice if we want Muslims to make progress and meet the challenges of life.
Our problem today is two-fold...
One: we are not educating ourselves about Islam.
Two: we think that we are not allowed to use our brains when it comes to Islam; instead we are to obey and follow without questioning, studying or exploring. Islam is not a religion to be followed blindly, this was never encouraged. Ignorance is not an excuse we can employ to our benefit.
Can the blind and seeing be deemed equal? Will you not, then, take thought? (6.50)
Our responsibility is to educate ourselves about Islam, to question, consider and to evaluate before we believe anything. We need to understand the difference between Islam and man-made cultural traditions. We need to recognize and separate Islam from the misinterpretations of Islam that are passed off as Islamic values in most countries. We cannot afford to be complacent, nor can we expect Islam to flourish when Muslims remain uninformed about it. We cannot divorce Islam from rational thinking and inquiry.
© 1999 published on www.crescentlife.com
Freedom of choice cannot be separated from the right to think and believe. The ability to think, to believe and to express one's beliefs is a special gift to humankind from Allah.... this is what separates us from His other creations. One cannot restrict choice without restricting one's ability to think and believe.
Is it possible to have a belief without having the freedom to think?
Is it possible to have the freedom to think without having the freedom to choose?
Thought is defined as: the act or process of thinking; the power of reasoning; an idea, opinion, plan, etc.; the ideas prevalent to a certain group, period, etc.; attention, consideration; and intention or expectation. The process of thinking involves giving consideration to an idea or thought, to evaluate, to reason, to work out, to believe, to view from all possible angles before reaching a decision.
The initial revelation gives the command to 'read/recite'... I doubt if it meant to do so without comprehension, without understanding or thinking. Comprehension requires reasoning, evaluating, and considering. We cannot reason without the freedom to think and to draw conclusions from the process. Freedom of choice is inherent in the repeated injunctions to 'think, consider, ponder.... ' in the Qur'ân.
Freedom of thought and belief is repeatedly emphasized in the Qur'ân, but the underlying freedom of choice is overlooked. Without the freedom to choose would there be a freedom of thought or belief? Take away the freedom to choose and you take away the freedom of thought and belief. The following ayaat make it quite clear that we can guide or direct another person, but we cannot and should not take it on ourselves to compel them to choose a certain way... this was not the role of the prophet (saaw) and it is definitely not our place either. The fact that we cannot compel or coerce is enough to understand the significance of choice in Islam.
"And had your Lord so willed, all those who live on earth would have attained to faith - all of them, do you then think that you could compel people to believe?" (10:99)
"And so (O Prophet) exhort them; your task is only to exhort; you cannot compel" (88:21-22).
"There shall be no coercion in matters of faith" (2:256)
We can look at all the stories in the Qur'ân of the previous generations of people and the Prophets (aas), their trials and tribulations.... and we see a common thread emerge... choice... they were given the guidelines by Allah Ta'ala, and then they were allowed to make the choice, based on their understanding, level of faith, belief and desire to follow the right path. None were compelled to make a choice.
Coercion and force are used only when we are unable to convince with reasoning. Force is the method used by the uninformed as a tool for intimidation. It is always a power play. It is demeaning and insulting to humanity. And it is definitely not Islamic. So what makes freedom of choice a responsibility, and not a frivolous liberty to abuse?
Islam expects us to educate ourselves. Islam encourages the process of introspection and self-evaluation.... to look within and to continuously take steps to improve ourselves. Islam does not allow stagnant existence. Islam teaches us to strive for excellence in everything we do. Passivity is not permitted in Islam. We are accountable for our every action.... What are actions based on? Our thoughts and the choices we make. Since we are held accountable for our actions, the freedom to choose becomes a right, a duty and a responsibility. (in the court of Allah we will not be able to plead temporary insanity or ignorance and get away with it ;-)
Explore the profundity of the statement: 'We are accountable for our actions'... not our thoughts... why? Because our actions are based on an active choice we make. Our thoughts stray at times, but as long as we don't act on them we are not accountable for them. The stress is on our choice of action. Making right choices is learned through the process of thinking, evaluating, questioning and exploring.
We can make right choices only when we are fully aware and cognizant of the facts.
We cannot afford to squelch the freedom of thought and choice if we want Muslims to make progress and meet the challenges of life.
Our problem today is two-fold...
One: we are not educating ourselves about Islam.
Two: we think that we are not allowed to use our brains when it comes to Islam; instead we are to obey and follow without questioning, studying or exploring. Islam is not a religion to be followed blindly, this was never encouraged. Ignorance is not an excuse we can employ to our benefit.
Can the blind and seeing be deemed equal? Will you not, then, take thought? (6.50)
Our responsibility is to educate ourselves about Islam, to question, consider and to evaluate before we believe anything. We need to understand the difference between Islam and man-made cultural traditions. We need to recognize and separate Islam from the misinterpretations of Islam that are passed off as Islamic values in most countries. We cannot afford to be complacent, nor can we expect Islam to flourish when Muslims remain uninformed about it. We cannot divorce Islam from rational thinking and inquiry.
© 1999 published on www.crescentlife.com
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