Divorce

I am sure you have heard this a million times that 'divorce is the most hated thing in the sight of Allah - though He has permitted it'.


I am sick and tired of hearing this statement because it is grossly misinterpreted and abused.  There is no doubt in my mind that divorce is ugly and horrible, and that it has extremely negative consequences on everyone involved.  That said, we have to admit that it is permitted... why is it permitted and under what circumstances?


The problem is that this statement is used most often to pressure women to stay in the marriage by guilt-tripping them into believing that they are going against God's wishes, are breaking up a family and committing a most heinous sin.  I don't hear it said to men.  The same double standards that are used to enforce morality are used here to keep families together  - exclusively on the women.  The entire burden of the break-up is placed on the shoulders of the woman.  If she is sâbir (patient), if she believes in taqdîr (destiny) and if she has imân (faith) she would not seek a divorce and the family would stay intact.  The main reason for divorce is seldom addressed.  The husband of course is flawless, perfect and the icon of innocence in this one-sided farce of a marriage.


Generally, women want to maintain a family, home and husband.  Generally, women don't tend to seek divorce for frivolous reasons. (Exceptions exist but I will address that later.)  Generally, women are dependent on men for financial reasons; with few having the means to support herself and her kids on her own.  Most of the time when a woman gets to the point of seeking a divorce it is when she has extended herself beyond reasonable limits of patience.  Usually what leads her to seek divorce is abuse - severe abuse.  


Now this is what galls me.  A woman's plea for divorce when she is an abusive marriage is treated with the same degree of disregard as if she was seeking it for totally frivolous reasons.  She is given the same platitudes that she should be patient, she should keep the family together, she should listen to her husband, she should be obedient and other such bull.  The so-called wise elder (idiot) doesn't have the guts to call the husband and tell him to stop the abuse.  The community doesn't have the courage to get together and set the husband right.  There is no sense of justice or fairness in their tactics.  Instead, people who speak up against abuse are black-listed from the community.  


There seems to be this unspoken coalition to maintain an image of 'good Muslims' to the extent that everyone turns a blind eye to anything that may mar their pristine mask.  And of course Muslims don't have any other problems either. They don't get depressed, they don't lie, cheat or commit other crimes.  They don't drink, they don't go to bars, they don't commit adultery.  There is no incest or sexual abuse in Muslim families.  There is no marital rape in Muslim marriages.  Yeah, right!  Hypocrites! 


Not only do Muslims seem to lack foresight, but they are also gutless wimps.  They will talk the talk, but not walk the talk.  Hypocritical wimps!!!  They just don't seem to get it.  Why can't they understand that if they don't address these problems these issues will mushroom and create bigger problems for their children; who being raised by such clue-less adults will not have the coping skills to deal with these problems.


In their efforts to maintain a family, they don't realize that a child being raised in an abusive home will become either an abusive spouse and parent or a victim of abuse. 


OK... so going back to permissibility of divorce.  Everything of hadith literature that I have read so far... I have not come across a SINGLE incident in which a woman was asked to stay with her husband when she sought a divorce in such seriously abusive situations.


If you study the verses about divorce... it is dealt with very pragmatically, without judgment and without any put-down for the person seeking it - be it male or female.  Instead, it is dealt with in a realistic and straight-forward manner... providing guidelines for how to conduct it in a just and fair manner.  There is no innuendo or direct remark about how awful if you break up the family.  Nor is there any blame against either men or women for seeking it.  


Men need to grow up, and so do women.  Neither is immune to corrupt ways and deviousness. Both have the tendency to abuse, verbally or physically... whichever means they are capable of.  Being an abuser is wrong, but being a victim is also wrong... one has an over-inflated ego and the other has an under-developed sense of self worth.  If either of them think that they have the right to mistreat a spouse they have not grown beyond the self-absorbed stage of a temper-tantrum throwing 2 year old.  Both are equally responsible for ruining a relationship.


As a society, we tend to turn a blind eye to the woes of the woman, she is after all dispensable and 'lesser than a man'.  A divorced woman is shunned and marginalized, the divorced man suffers no consequences, but is viewed as a 'catch'... now this I really don't understand... don't people check why he got divorced before giving their daughter's hand into his???  What is wrong with us??? 


© October 2004   published on www.crescentlife.com