| "What is entailed in not indulging in your automatic emotions, is being conscious all the time. We are not talking about suppressing emotions, we are talking about not expressing them. To express them discharges them, and that stops you from really understanding and going deeper. Expressing emotions stops the process of transformation.... Indulgence just feeds the elementary needs and values, and perpetuates them". A. H. Almaas in 'Indestructible Innocence' |
As such there is nothing wrong with anger. Everyone experiences anger at some time or the other. There are situations in which anger is the most normal, natural and ‘right’ response and makes perfect sense, ie: seeing a child being brutally beaten, injustice, cruelty toward animals or humans, etc. Generally, anger is evoked when a person is offended, insulted or provoked. Most people's anger is limited to situations in which it is justified, ie: when they have been taken advantage of, lied to, cheated, abused and so forth.
The problem is not the emotion of anger, but the way in which it is expressed that becomes the problem. Some people have problem managing their anger. It seems as if they are angry all the time and about everything. Even when nothing really provokes them, they feel incited, taken advantage of, belittled, or abused in some way. Sometimes their perception is accurate, other times it is distorted. Anger changes thinking, it makes a person defensive, and focus exclusively on what they believe is provoking them.
Some people find it difficult to express their anger. Some believe that it is wrong to express anger. This sort of rigidity leads to problems, because anger that is not expressed tends to accumulate, with explosive episodes. Unexpressed anger keeps a person aroused physiologically, which can lead to health problems like high blood pressure and even heart disease. Also, unexpressed anger can cause feelings of helplessness, which precipitate depression. Depression is anger turned inward, ie: suppressed. Therefore, it is important to identify your anger, and the beliefs that are keeping you from expressing it, and to learn appropriate ways to express it.
Some tend to exaggerate and dramatize situations, particularly interpersonal ones, so that they feel intense and prolonged anger unnecessarily. This unnecessary anger often leads to an exaggerated expression of anger-- often directed toward others.
Anger is an emotion that affects many systems (emotional, cognitive and physiological). People can do many things to reduce anger; they can learn to relax, meditate, distract themselves (counting to ten before saying anything) or talk about it. All of these techniques can be helpful for some people. Sometimes hitting a pillow or a punching bag will "vent" the anger, it releases the physical tension in the body that builds up with holding back anger.
As in dealing with depression and anxiety, cognitive techniques are very helpful in reducing anger and lessening the intensity of outbursts. Explosive, uncontrolled and unmanaged anger is the result of some distortion in thinking. People who have difficulty expressing anger in an appropriate manner lack healthy problem-solving skills, and have insufficient adaptive responses to anger-provoking events. They tend to misinterpret events as negative even when they are not. They believe that it is OK to retaliate by being verbally or physically violent. They have difficulty recognizing the consequence of their anger.
There is no more effective way to control anger than to nip it in the bud before it gets out of control. This requires learning how to alert yourself to the subtle signs of increasing anger. Look for cues that tell you that you are starting to feel angry.. ie: clenching your teeth, tight fists, narrowing your eyes, and speaking loudly, etc.
Anger is one of the most difficult emotions to control, because it has a sudden onset and escalates quickly. The key to effectively controlling anger is to slow things down. Do a ‘reality check’ instead of relying on just your perceptions. Once you have learned to recognize early signs of anger, and how to step back and evaluate the situation thoroughly, anger will lose a great deal of its power.
To feel any empathy is very difficult when one is angry, but it can make all the difference in the world. Often after we get intensely angry at someone, the next day we feel guilty to some degree. Learning to see the other person's point of view can be difficult when one is in the middle of an angry episode, but with practice it can become second nature.
Extreme anger can make one blind and irrational. Extreme anger almost always has negative outcomes when it is taken out on another person. See if you can train yourself to step into the future in the heat of the moment. When angry, try to listen carefully to what is being said to you. Anger creates a hostility filter, and often all you can hear is negativity.
Learn to deflate your own anger… when angry ask yourself:
- Where is the evidence? Are you sure, absolutely sure, that the situation is what you believe it is?
- Is there sufficient evidence to back up your interpretation of the event that is angering you?
- Is there any other way of looking at this situation?
- So what is the worst thing that can happen?
- What will be the outcome of my anger?
- Where is the other person coming from?
© 2001 published in www.crescentlife.com
