Emotions are survival instincts, if we did not have certain feelings we would not know how to survive. This can be observed more clearly in animals... if an animal did not feel fear it would not know when it was in a dangerous situation and would not know that it had to protect itself.
In the same way human beings use emotions to evaluate a situation. An infant relates to the world through feelings. He does not have a developed intellect, he has not formed ideas or concepts about situations, nor does he have language skills to convey what he wants.. he only has an instinctive reaction to situations. When he likes something he is happy and smiles, when he does not like something he feels mad and expresses it through crying.
Anger is good when it is appropriate, ie: when the situation warrants it and it is expressed appropriately. When we see a child being beaten up cruelly, it is normal to feel angry... as a matter of fact it would be abnormal to not feel angry in such a situation. There would be something very wrong with a person if they did not feel anger at such abusive, harsh and cruel situations.
What makes anger 'bad' is when it is unwarranted and is expressed inappropriately, eg: yelling, screaming, hitting, etc. So your kid breaks your favorite vase... you beat him black and blue, yell at him and ground him for a month... that is inappropriate and beyond any reasonable measure of what is appropriate punishment for such a mishap. In such a situation you have let your anger control you... to the degree that you lost sight of the severity of the problem. You also lose the ability to recognize other factors that impact your action and must be considered rationally... eg: age of the child, was it an accident, could you have prevented it, was the vase at a place where young children can get to it, etc. before you give him such a harsh punishment.
When most people think of anger they think of this negative and immature manner of expression... and therefore judge anger as wrong or bad.
In all situations, good, bad or ugly... human beings have to learn to control their emotions; not the other way around. You should be in charge of your own emotions, not let emotions run your life. It is when we let our emotions take charge that we end up expressing them inappropriately.
Islâm teaches us the significance of controlling anger... that we should keep a check on how we express it. That letting go of anger and to forgive is the best way to go. Islam teaches us to think, reflect and ponder on everything... this includes our own self.. our thoughts, feelings and actions. Islâm also teaches us that we are responsible and accountable of our actions, so it becomes even more important that we make the right choice in every situation.
Sûrah al Imran 3.134
'Who spend (in His way) in time of plenty and in time of hardship, and hold in check their anger, and pardon their fellow men because God loves the doers of good.'
Sûrah an Nisa 4.77
'Art thou not aware of those who have been told, 'Curb your hands' ....'
Sûrah ash Shura 42.37
'And who shun the more heinous sins and abominations; and who, whenever they are moved to anger, readily forgive.'
Sûrah al Hijr 15.85
... forgive (people's failings) with fair forbearance.'
So how do we learn to control our anger?
This may sound very simplistic, but it is the most basic step... self-awareness. Learn to pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings and actions. Become aware of how you react to situations, how you think when you feel angry. The reality is that nobody can change you, only you can do that. So you have to take the responsibility of your own choices. You have to control the impulse to yell, scream or hit.
One exercise that I ask all my clients to do is to imagine that there is a video camera on their shoulder that records everything... all their thoughts, feelings and actions. This helps you start observing your self. Then you become aware of your own negative thoughts, feeling and actions. Usually you recognize it after the event, but with practice you will start catching yourself earlier and earlier -- in the middle of the event and eventually even before you lose your self-control. As you catch yourself you can then exercise choice and control over your own actions. Try it.
Talking is a much healthier way of dealing with anger than becoming violent. Learning self-control is not easy, but it is not impossible. It takes time, patience and effort. It can be done.
© 2003 published on www.crescentlife.com
